Life beyond the third standard deviation

Wave After Wave They Came

2007-08-17T16:29:00.000+01:00

I have a guilty pleasure.

Sorry, that makes it sound slightly exciting which it isn't really. Just a little sad. You see I find I get a great sense of well being from being able to walk around a miniature or model village.

Especially when the place is a familiar one like Polperro (left). I get into this frankly, ridiculous process of recognising all the different bits and relating them to their original, larger counterparts. On a bad day I try to engage others with idiot statements like "Oh my god! That bit there is that road with the shop on it!". Or the what-must-be frustrating "Do you recognise that? Do ya? Do ya?". And no, sadly I don't "get bored in a minute" as my wife would hope.

The whole thing takes on a new, terrible level of thrill (for me) if the village is equipped with some form of working railway - this is often the point where any realism is quickly lots as we don't actually have a full size working railway anywhere in Britain. This excitement rises to orgasmic if you can actually sit on the trains (note: I actually audibly 'eeked' as I wrote that)

So what is it that I enjoy so much about these places? Frankly I'm f**ked if I know. Maybe it's the chance to act out my favourite Godzilla based moves (although the village owners are rarely happy to allow me destroy large chunks of their site even with my supersonic-monster-screech). More likely it has something to do with all those fabulous models from the Gerry Anderson programs from my childhood. It wouldn't surprise me to learn that, like most things, model villages are just another poor substitute for the fact that 'Space 1999' isn't real and I'm not an astronaut.

Once more, I've shared too much.

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme,

2007-08-15T19:48:00.000+01:00

Did a little camping in Scarborough and for just a short while it didn't rain.

Fortunately I was able to report this oversight to Mother Nature herself and normal, drizzly service was quickly resumed.

Bacon

2007-08-11T21:14:00.000+01:00

I like bacon though.

Bacon Flavoured Crisps

2007-08-11T21:09:00.000+01:00

Frazzles. Don't like 'em. As a kid, even the smell made me retch. My adult experience of them is little better. I've come to the conclusion that liking Frazzles (or their own brand equivalent) is a character weakness.

Just thought you should know.

The Correct Way to Fold a Cat

2007-08-10T21:18:00.000+01:00

Smurfs. Remember them? Weird. All blue and stuff. With hats. Like die-washed leprechauns whose hats had been bleached and beards shaved. And who didn't live in Ireland. I don't remember anything about pots of gold either. Sorry, crap analogy really. Re-read the above but replace leprechauns with wolves and change some other stuff to make it a better analogy. I think I've (you've) made my point.

Anyway here's the question, did they wear clothes?

Here's your answer.

Don't know why I bother really.

DNA Profiling and Headline News

2007-08-10T12:09:00.000+01:00

I just noticed that, in the US at least, Google (like you need a link) News now allows people to publish opinions and comments along with a story. Initially, however this will be only those individuals participating in the story as explained by Google here;

"We'll be trying out a mechanism for publishing comments from a special subset of readers: those people or organizations who were actual participants in the story in question. Our long-term vision is that any participant will be able to send in their comments, and we'll show them next to the articles about the story. Comments will be published in full, without any edits, but marked as 'comments' so readers know it's the individuals perspective, rather than part of a journalist's report."

OK so how will this work for, say, some story about a man whose cat was rescued from a tree. In this situation I take it they would allow either the man or his cat to comment on the story. Perhaps, also the fireman who rescued his cat would also be allowed to have his say as would his mate who held the ladder and any neighbors who made tea for the man in his hour of need. Pretty clear group of well defined roles within this tale. But what happens if there is a story about elections in Pakistan? Surely, if the election is fair, in this situation everyone in Pakistan was a participant and can comment on the story? And how do they check if you really are the participant. Will the police collect names, addresses and Google News username and passwords from people involved in reported incidents so that Google can check later? Perhaps they will take DNA at the scene and Google have some kind of profiling system in place.

I need lunch.

It's so crazy, it just might work

2007-08-09T14:07:00.000+01:00

Many of the greatest films ever made began life as novels. In contrast, many of the worst films ever made began life as computer games. However, all this may be about to change....

A small work of genius.

Maintaining a Proper Sense of Proportion

2007-08-05T10:22:00.000+01:00

So we are off to Mars again [bbc story] this time with the Phoenix probe which aims to land on the northern plains of Mars and dig down into the soil in search of frozen water. The lander is the usual high tech coffee table affair, complete with all manner of limb-like appendages sticking up and down with at least one of these having the prestigious job of calculating in exactly which direction up or down actually is. Many of the others are used for sampling all manner of particles and waves and a few can be operated remotely, by overweight geeks sat at desks as untidy and confusing to look at as their beards, back at NASA. Sound familiar? Yes - sorry didn't mean to put words in your mouth but I'm not gonna hang around for you to reply in order to continue my post. Anyway you might have said 'No' - very familiar. Now don't get me wrong I love everything and anything to do with space. However, we have seen quite a lot of this kind of activity from NASA in the past few years. Probes and stuff I mean. I'm sure there is a lot of very interesting science being done but it does rather lack pizazz. I mean I really thought things were looking up when NASA sent Spirit and Opportunity a few years back, at least they can move around, albeit at the speed of a snail on a salt plain. I'd hoped we might see something a little faster this time or even something that could fly in the martian atmosphere, like a glider. But no. For the layman it is the same old, same old.

I wouldn't be surprised if NASA had once again estimated the life expectancy of Phoenix to be about 1 minute 37 seconds so that when it lasts for a whole day they can start jumping around saying this is 'far more than they could have ever hoped or dreamed for, far outwaying expectations' and that this once again proves they should get more money.

Maybe NASA has just got the whole science-entertainment balance weighted a little too much in favour of science. Wouldn't it be great just to see some representative from NASA explaining to a BBC science correspondent that the last experiment Phoenix will perform will be to use the digging arm to scratch a classic 'cock' shape drawing (see below) into the martian soil whilst playing 'Flight of the Bumble Bee' using cleverly constructed modes of vibration across it's solar panels?

I doubt this will happen, but maybe soon Richard Branson will get his shit together and start to make space a little more hip. He may want to fly a giant balloon around mars, albeit to the sound of Tubular Bells No. 9.

Live wrong and phosphor Earthlings.

Mine all mine!

2007-07-24T21:46:00.000+01:00

My precious... shame it won't ever be this clean again!

Had to cut nearly 3 inches of the seatpost 'cause of the split frame design.

Tomorrow, the hills.

I doubt I'll be posting much for a while....

My New Bike Part 1.

2007-07-24T10:47:00.000+01:00

Yes I know I haven't really blogged for ages but you know what's like, I barely phone my mum so don't take it personally. Anyway I'm very excited today as the bike shop phoned to say my bike is being built and will be ready this afternoon! My old bike has definitely seen better days, none of which occured this century. Anyone who knows me will probably be glad it's finally ready if for no other reason than I might stop banging on about how f**king wonderful it will be when I finally get it.

I'm able to fund my new bike purchase through the wonderful Cycles2Work scheme a government initiative to get people cycling more, the bottom line being you can buy a bike for about 50% of the full price - no VAT, pre tax & NI payments. This makes a significant difference especially when the full price is knocking on the door of 2 grand.

Anyway mine will be ready in just a few hours. For those interested it is basically a Specialized Stumpjumper FSR Comp upgraded to an Expert without the Brain Fade rear shock but with Talas RLC's on the front. Pictorially it looks a bit like...

But with the addition of this...

this...

this...

and this..

Allowing me to do much more of this...

The joy is mine!

Not dead

2007-04-20T20:52:00.000+01:00

I'm not. Are you? Let me know if you have recently died and I'll send some flowers.

Forces we cannot begin to comprehend

2006-09-15T15:33:00.000+01:00

My Christmas list now includes...

More details of the wonder of the modern world can be found at cre.ations.net. Just awesome.

You know that there self proclaimed God of pop Robbie Williams?

2006-09-10T22:47:00.000+01:00

...he's the fella what cleans your toilet he is.

'citing ain't it?

2006-09-09T13:26:00.000+01:00

Oooh, my life just got a little bit more exciting. However, it's my excitement and I'm not sharing it with anyone, so p**s off and get your own excitement sado.

Other news in brief; we finally got tickets to see the man himself, Russell Brand. Sweet; I've decided to introduce a new phrase into the English language. It's Joha pronounced errmm... Joha and stands for Jordan on her arse which can be used as a replacement for 'tits up'. And finally I was amazed to hear one of the "celebrities" on 'Law of the Playground' last night (the odd looking one with a long head and big eyes, who wasn't the reason you watched the 11-o-clock show) reminisce about JIGCAL the incredible computer careers advice system. Basically you answered about 100 multiple choice questions and the answers were fed into the JIGCAL system which then returned the most appropriate careers for you. I can't remember exactly what it careers options it gave apart from the suggestion that I became a Prison Warden. Strangely this celebrity had exactly the same 'advice' which suggests the system was heavily biased to include those jobs with many vacancies.

Now to attend to my excitment which, to use the words of the great Vyvyan "...calls for a very special combination of psychology and extreme violence".

Turn around now and no peeking.

Its not the allergens

2006-09-05T14:32:00.000+01:00

You buy them all that food and this is how they repay you...

I'm a muthaf**king artist dudes

2006-08-20T11:54:00.000+01:00

IMG_2740,
originally uploaded by AntToeKnee.

Check it out! All my own work. I held the camera (my camera as well) I pointed it at H (who was busy attempting to catch the wee he had just done in the sea, I shit you not) I pressed the button (after turning on the black and white setting) and when we got I home I downloaded it. That all makes me the artist right? Shit I'm hot.

NASA are you reading this? I can take B&W photographs as well.

One small step...

2006-08-20T11:17:00.000+01:00

First man on Trearddur bay beach. Just like Neil planted flag; took samples; looked back towards home and felt very small. Unlike Neil I made a bitching castle; got my feet wet and had an ice cream with a flake sticking out of the top.

Are you watching this NASA? Moon lands, huh? Moon landings my arse.

Train travel in this country is a f**king joke

2006-08-15T11:22:00.000+01:00

What, you need more information? Just remember that each and every rail timetable you read is a dull, poorly developed work of complete and utter fiction. I suggest they add the following disclaimer to the bottom of all timetables. All trains are fictitious and any resemblance to actual trains or their time of travel is purely coincidental.

"Wankers!" As Pete from Big Brother would say.

"Useless wankers!" As Pete from Big Brother would say after just spending 3 hours traveling from Sheffield to Manchester.

"Take that useless wankers!" As Pete from Big Brother would say after just spending 3 hours traveling from Sheffield to Manchester and then attacking several members of 'Central Trains' and 'Network Rail' with sticks and bottles.

"Ahhhhh get these cats away from me you slimey alien bastards!" As Pete from Big Brother would say if attacked by an alien race carrying cat launching weaponry and hell bent on defending both 'Central Trains' and Network Rail'.

Ermmm... that'll do Donkey, that'll do.

Don't Panic

2006-08-13T09:04:00.000+01:00

As mentioned by Douglas Adams in his science fiction/comedy tale "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy", space is big. Last night I was looking up at the sky and I had to agree with him, it really is bloody big. In fact, as I looked around at it (at leat the bits I could see between the clouds and trees) I started to get a sense of just how really huge space is. Trust me on this, it is very, very big (take a look for yourself). Then I thought, hang on a sec, space is not something but is actually the absence of anything. It is in fact defined as the lack of any physical matter and thus how can I attribute any particular size to it, no matter how qualitative the definition? Surely logic dictates that 'space' doesn't exist and therefore can have no further attributes. Then it occurred to me that, although there is nothing physical to associate with 'space' as a concept it has a consistent property, that of absense of anything. Therefore, my reasoning went on, the dimensions I was considering were the distances between objects that do exist within 'space' and I was simply assigning these as properties of the 'space'. Although somewhat idiosyncratic, my thinking continued, I rationalised this was appropriate because of the relatively small proportion of matter in comparison to the 'space'. It then occured to me that perhaps the cheese I had just eaten was out of date.

Fact, fiction and the strangeness there of

2006-08-12T13:38:00.000+01:00

Growing up in the seventies I saw a lot of weird stuff. One thing that I very much enjoyed was the TV show "The Six Million Dollar Man" with Lee Majors playing Steve Austin, the man barely alive. I was a big fan of the show when I was around the age of 8 years old. I held ambitions of my own to be severely maimed in a test flight gone wrong and then rebuilt at the tax payers expense. Can you imagine the reality of this Microsoft-NHS partnership?

Until recently I hadn't realised that this series was based on a book called Cyborg by Martin Caidin. More interesting is the background to this book. In a previous life Martin Caidin was a aeronautics specialist (amongst other things) who was based at Rogers Dry Lake bed when Bruce Peterson plowed his M2-F2 into the turf (pictured left, just prior to the flight). The accident which befalls Steve Austin is in fact based on Bruce Petersons flight. The M2-F2 was a lifting body prototype and part of early developments in the design of the Space Shuttle. During his unpowered drop flight from a B-52, Peterson experienced what are known as PIOs or Pilot Induced Oscillations, an unfortunate and all too familiar characteristic of this design (here is a link to some NASA footage of the problem). Although able to correct this Peterson had lost too much speed and had to dive the craft to regain airspeed (remember it is gliding). This, together with a poorly positioned reference helicopter, resulted in the crash which saw the M2-F2 flip over end to end 6 times and Peterson badly injured. Ultimately he lost the sight in his right eye but was still able to fly. Caidin had his inspiration.

Remember the start of the Six Million Dollar Man?

"Oscar to NASA One." Oscar
"Roger." NASA One
"VP is armed switch is on." Victor
"Okay, Victor." Oscar
"Lighting Rods are armed switch is on. Here comes the starter, circuit breakers in." Victor
"We have separation." Victor
"Roger." Oscar
"Inboard and outboards are on. Come a-port with the sidestick." NASA One
"Oscar?" Oscar
"Uh, Roger." NASA One
"I've got a blowout vapor three!" Oscar
"Get your pitch to zero." NASA One
"Pitch is out I can't hold altitude." Oscar
"Direction alpha hold is off try trajectory emergency." NASA One
"Flight Comm! I can't hold it! She's breaking up, she's break..." Oscar

Most of this is actual communication between Peterson, NASA and the drop ship and the footage used in the opening sequence was actual footage of Petersons crash (that guy bashing his helmet on the canopy is Peterson). Week in week out Peterson had to relive it. Poor sod. But I bet his mates loved it.

Fandabinazi

2006-08-10T18:11:00.000+01:00

In summary then, Nazi pedotranny

pantingant please note the use of correct punctuation

10p to continue

2006-08-10T14:30:00.000+01:00

If you thought watching someone play a computer game was boring try to imagine how incredibly dull it must get being a sprite in a game (if I get a single fizzy drink/silly goblin comment I will not be happy and don't try and get round me by being all pedantic and leaving more than one comment Pardelrum). Well, imagine no longer and instead witness the level of absolute boredom first hand. This film allows you to watch a whole game of Space Invaders played using stop frame animated actors (real people : I bet the actors guild are thrilled to see real people being used to replace computer generated characters) moving across rows of seats. Alright it's not exactly a current game but I expect its prety difficult to do 3D Phong shading or texture and light mapping with members of the Surbiton amateur dramatics society.

Fandabidozi

2006-08-09T12:32:00.000+01:00

In summary then; Pedotranny.

I thank you

2006-08-09T10:34:00.000+01:00

Two nuns are cycling down a cobbled street. An absurd conversation then unfolds that exploits both the listeners ignorance of religious protocol as well as their simplistic Freudian sexual attitudes to innocence. When combined with society's corruption of the habit, the very icon of the nun, as well as a general failure to comprehend the performance of modern bicycle suspension systems, the opportunity to explore the wholly fundamental view of life provided by the intercourse between the protagonists who have taken the solemn vow is lost and replaced by little more than pathetic titillation.

insert drum roll & high hat

Lights, Camera, Faction!

2006-08-08T21:19:00.000+01:00

So it appears NASA is going back to the moon. They need to be careful here as this could add more to the theory that they never went in the first place. With all the movie remakes that have been released of late it may look to a conspiracy nutter that NASA is just remaking (or reimagining) it's previous blockbuster series Apollo. I liked Buzz (accidentally given the nickname by his sister who pronounced brother as buzzzer and subsequently made it his real first name) Aldrin's solution when approached recently on the question of whether the whole moon landing thing was just an elaborate hoax to demonstrate the superior technology of the USA to it's cold war adversary Russia. He twated the guy.

However, if you wanted to make a movie about Cold War space travel pioneers you could do a lot worse than the story of Vladimir Komarov. Just read this exert of the Soyuz 1 flight taken from Wikipedia;

Problems began shortly after launch when one solar panel failed to unfold, leading to a shortage of power for the spacecraft's systems. Further problems with the orientation detectors complicated maneuvering the craft. By orbit 13, the automatic stabilization system was completely dead, and the manual system was only partially effective. By this time, the crew of the second Soyuz had modified their mission goals, preparing themselves for a launch that would include fixing the solar panel of Soyuz 1. Heavy rain at Baikonur is reported to have made the launch impossible. It is believed that, in reality, Soyuz 2 never launched because of the severity of problems with Soyuz 1 in orbit.

As a result of Komarov's orbit 13 report, the flight control director began making preparations for the abort and reentry attempt. Valentina, wife and mother of two, was brought in and seated at a private console for a few precious moments. Vladimir Komarov, who was ill from the violent motions of his ship, remained calm and was able to say good-bye.

After 18 orbits, Soyuz 1 fired retro-rockets and was deorbited as soon as it passed above the USSR again, although the pilot had little control. Despite all of the technical difficulties up to that point, Komarov might still have landed safely, but the main parachute did not unfold due to problems with a pressure sensor, and the manually deployed reserve chute tangled, making the spacecraft fall to Earth nearly unbraked, at about 400 miles per hour. Large retro-rockets should have fired to further slow the descent. Instead, at impact, there was an explosion and an intense fire surrounded the capsule. Local farmers rushed to try to put it out, but Komarov would have already been dead, from impact.

The man was a true hero. He was both forced and compelled to fly the mission. Forced by the highest powers in the Soviet 'Cold War' machine in order to prove superior pre-lunar flight capabilities, including a docking procedure, to their American competitors. He was also compelled, both by a love for his country and his also his friend. Despite knowing that the Soyuz craft was almost certainly not up to the flight he remained as mission pilot as he didn't want risk the life of the mission backup pilot and close friend Yuri Gagarin. It's reported that this incident is the reason Gagarin left the space programme. Gagarin once said, "...if I ever find out he (Brezhnev) knew about the situation and still let everything happen, then I know exactly what I'm going to do." Less than a year later Gagarin dies in a routine training flight. If you want conspiracy theories, forget NASA.

Can anyone else see the movie here?

The Grate Outdoors

2006-08-06T16:54:00.000+01:00

The Grate Outdoors,
originally uploaded by AntToeKnee.

It appears that the world and his Thai bride have decided to go camping these days. I should have noticed the signs when, on a tuesday evening our local camping store had the kind of crowd usually reserved for a christmas eve in the food section of M&S (trust me it is crazy, I worked in one as a lad). To be honest I cant talk. Until last year the suggestion of camping set me off into either a fit of giggles or some rant about the decline of the great British holiday camp (to put the record straight, Butlins was and always will be shite). Suddenly the kids are tearing the house apart and we are spending the summer sheltering from the rain in something that I can only describe as a fabric bungalow. That is how I now find myself sat, in toilet with a broken lock, writing a blog entry on my mobile phone whilst my wife thinks I'm waiting for those little blue plastic boxes that keep your food cold.

I say, I say, I say..

2006-08-05T08:38:00.000+01:00

Two homosexual men relax at home with their pet hamster. What follows is a frankly ridiculous and physiologically implausible tale which serves only to further malign this oft derided minority group.

Right I'm off camping for a few days now (no pun intended).

Uzbekistan ain't for sale

2006-08-04T10:55:00.000+01:00

I've checked on eBay and there is no sign of it. Neither did I have any joy looking to buy a "small African nation" or "Classic Bond villain style island". There also appears to be a real lack of "cat parachutes", "bomber jackets for dogs" and "light armaments for rats and mice". The situation is no better if your investigating a crime. A scout for "Information leading to a conviction", "Smoking gun" or "The bloke that did it" produced zip. However, interestingly a search for "Weapons of mass destruction" throw up 37 hits which might be of use to Tony Blair.

Well I'm all out of ideas. Frankly I can't imagine what people are selling on eBay!

It's the way I tell 'em.

2006-08-04T10:51:00.000+01:00

A man walks into a pub, begins a verbal exchange with the barman and a familiar story unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Boom, boom.

Eliminate the impossible

2006-07-25T09:02:00.000+01:00

"...when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."(Sherlock Holmes)

The current situation between Israel and Lebanon is depressing (see this article if you've been living in a cave or other place void of media coverage and scatter cushions). However, all is not lost. I have a plan to fix things. It is a little radical but bear with me.

Basically the problem is that Israel and Lebanon are bad neighbours. They don't see eye-to-eye about certain things, just as happens between people who live next door to each other sometimes. Ok I'll admit that any problems I've experienced with neighbours usual extends to late night parties or parking issues and not to fundamental idealism, but the problem is pretty much the same. And what do we do when we really don't get on with neighbours? We move. So lets move Israel. Not the land, just the people. But where to? I hear you ask. Well I've thought of that I think we move them to Wales. In fact my plan is to move everyone out of Wales and into to Israel and all the Israelis into Wales, thus killing two birds with one stone - well the Welsh have never liked us English much. I reckon we would get on much better with Israel and I wouldn't be surprised to find that Hezbollah and Plaid Cymru had a lot to talk about as well. Think of what it would do for both western understanding of the middle east situation as well as for leek sales. I'm sure most Welsh miners would find the transition into the oil industry trivial and they would soon start singing about them "beige dunes of home". Why I'll bet there are many warring nations that just need some breathing space from one and other where this kind of exchange program would work.

See, easy. I just hope Kofi Annan is still reading my blog.

My mistake

2006-07-22T23:34:00.000+01:00

Actually it's £8m for the spacewalk on top of the ~£10m for your trip to the ISS first. So that's £18m in all. Still feasible I think. Actually if you think about it, at £8m for the spacewalk makes the cost of the flight and stay on the ISS for 16 days sound like a bargin. Considering the spacewalk last for just 90 minutes and you have to walk!

The rain in Spain...

2006-07-22T17:53:00.000+01:00

...falls mainly on the plain. Something which, in these temperatures, must really upset the extravagant and fancifully dressed.

When I was a kid I wanted to be an Astronaut. Still do. Why? This is fucking why....

Cunt. Hope he falls. Ha falls, get it? - thats a physics gag. Anyway all I need is about £8m and my dream can come true, if this BBC article is to be believed. Perhaps I could add a donation button to this blog and get everyone to donate money to send the first blogger into orbit? Given that I tend to get about 2 comments per post thats about £4m each. Game?

Damn it Jim every cell in his body has been disrupted

2006-07-19T22:49:00.000+01:00

I read today in this article on the BBC news site that President Bush is the first president in almost 200 years to not use his veto in all four years of office. (what, he agreed with every bill congressed passed?) However he is soon to use his first veto in a bid to defeat a bill increasing funding of embryonic stem cell research. Sweet. A real piece of joined up thinking. He lets congress run amock and then sticks his ore in when his sensitive Christian principles are offended. Well, I'm not complaining if he wants to set US research into an important and promising future technology back a few decades on us Brits thats fine by me. We had an Empire once you know? But we had to sell the bastard to pay America for it's involvement in the Second World War. The story might not be all that reliable. As ever they claimed Ronald Reagan died of Alzheimer's when in fact he died of Frontal and Temporal Lobe Dementia.

On another subject I am seriously liking this new fangled version of 'Battlestar Galactica'. I know it sounds stupid, because the first version, back in the 80's, was frankly like watching a cat shit - you can do it, but it ain't that entertaining and everyone ends up embarrassed - but this is way neat. I'm not usually a fan of remakes but I also watched 'Batman Begins' again last night which is a cracking version, as good as the Tim Burton original.

This I laughed at until a little bit of wee came out....

The gift that keeps on giving

2006-07-19T09:15:00.000+01:00

Just what century does the Royal Mail live in? They made an announcement yesterday that they would be issuing a new set of stamps to celebrate the 150th Anniversary of the National Portrait Gallery. It read...

"A new set of stamps from Royal Mail celebrating the 150th Anniversary of the National Portrait Gallery is set to bring back memories of some of the nation's most famous men and women."

Whilst I implore the idea of celebrating real British pioneers, who the fuck is gonna see 'em? 95% of the mail I receive are mailshots most of which invite me to either consolidate all my debts - a quick note to these loan ~~sharks~~ companies I don't find my current payments difficult as this is handled by a direct debit with my bank and not by some cash-or-your-TV-at-the-door system. I also am uninterested in extending the length of my loans beyond the expected lifespan of our solar system and I am definitely not interested in securing any of my terribly insecure loans by signing the rights to my home away if I so much as fail to answer a phonecall from you! - where the frig was I? Ahh yes, or it's for credit cards - a quick note to these people, thanks the kids love it when you send the sample ones. Virtually none of my mail has a stamp on it. It's all franked. If I ever buy stamps I get the bland, looks-like-a-paper-version-of-the-one-pence type.

Do you have to ask for these things? Does my local paper shop stock a wide assortment of stamps that I have failed to notice? Perhaps next time I'll ask I'll ask for 3 first class Churchill's, 2 first class Shakespeare's and a couple of second class Simon Le Bon's - yes there is a gag there but it is just too obvious for this heat.

Atmospheric Conditions

2006-07-18T15:45:00.000+01:00

I haven't seen a cloud all day which in England, particularly Manchester, is only likely to occur if you don't actually look outside (or do so only with your eyes firmly closed). Today we are experiencing the kind of temperatures that our Continental cousins would agree constitutes a proper summer, rather than the usual miserable affair we typically go through here in Blighty. This morning, I put sun block on the kids, not because my wife told me to do so (which she did), but because I thought they actually need it. I can almost see the ultraviolet rays pouring from the fiery ball in the sky.

Unfortunately in Britain we can never be happy with the weather for very long and I have overheard conversations which demonstrate two approaches by which it is possible to reconcile both the fabulousness (is that word?) of the current weather with our desire for dissatisfaction*. The first of these revolves around it now being "too hot" or "uncomfortable at night" making it "difficult to sleep". The second is the more pessimistic "It won't last" often substantiated with "I hear it will rain by the weekend". Both of these approaches allow people to discuss the current, near perfect, summer weather conditions whilst retaining a sense of mild displeasure. Perhaps it is only in this way we British can truly enjoy the sun.

*many people are unaware that the English actually have a complaint gland that secretes a hormone specifically to induce dissatisfaction with the current situation.

Good News Everyone!

2006-07-18T11:28:00.000+01:00

Ok this could get a little heavy, but on the way home last night I was thinking about the nature of information storage in electronic documents and the limitations thereof (well it beats listening to Scott Mills on Radio One). Now you can consider a document, such as this blog, to be a fixed projection of an idea, in this case my idea. You can read it, maybe view some pictures or other media (if I could be arsed to add them) to try and understand the idea being presented. However, the document itself isn't the idea and only presents a fixed representation or projection of it. Now I could sit at the end of some link and try to answer individual questions to allow people to explore the idea in different ways, specific to their level of understanding, education, perspective, interest etc. However, I've really got better things to do. So, for Christmas, what I really want is a technology into which I can embed the actual idea and have this technology do all the work in terms of re-projecting the idea based on various forms of input from the user.

The irony, of course, is that you probably don't understand what I'm on about for the very reason I'm on about it. Still, I can't help but wonder what the thinking was behind this...

No News is Good News?

2006-07-17T09:04:00.000+01:00

I appear to have failed in yesterdays attempt to post my 'News'. I can only imagine this is due to fact I totally forgot which is unsurprising given that I didn't actually have any News in the first place.

Anyway, what about Big Brother eh? 'citing isn't it? as Russell Brand would say.

Have I got news for you?

2006-07-15T22:41:00.000+01:00

Yes, but it will have to wait until tomorrow as I'm tired.

Monkey is Funky

2006-02-16T13:09:00.000Z

Of that there is no doubt.

I'm not a fan of remakes on the whole. However, I can't help being a little excited by the prospect of seeing Monkey once again returning to our screens. OK I'm sure it will be rubbish, but then the original was so bonkers will anyone notice? According to the BBC there will be deviations from the original plot. Based on memory that would probably mean that this time there will be a plot. Whatever. I'll be happy just so long as no-one works out that Tripitaka is a woman.

Just to get you in the mood and remind you that the Japanese are, to a woman, completly bonkers, dwell on this...

In the worlds before Monkey, primal chaos reigned.
Heaven sought order.
But the phoenix can fly only when its feathers are grown.
The four worlds formed again and yet again,
As endless aeons wheeled and passed.
Time and the pure essences of Heaven,
the moisture of the Earth,
the powers of the sun and the moon
All worked upon a certain rock, old as creation.
And it became magically fertile.
That first egg was named "Thought".
Tathagata Buddha, the Father Buddha, said,
"With our thoughts, we make the world."
Elemental forces caused the egg to hatch.
From it then came a stone monkey.
The nature of Monkey was irrepressible!

Oh fuck, it's Valentines Day tomorrow...

2006-02-13T21:16:00.000Z

... and for once in my life I actually bought a card in advance. Jesus I feel smug. Now, just how many of you lot are, right this minute, trying to remember which of your local supermarkets is 24 hour? If you can I would get yourself down to Tesco where this prize awaits.

Well as they say, every little helps.

Getting all philosophical on your ass

2006-02-13T07:29:00.000Z

Does God have sex? If so, who with? What's his favourite position? In many religions God is omnipresent which must make him a pretty effective sex machine. Obviously thinking is not common amongst your major religions which is just one of the reasons I'm not a believer (my main problem being the early mornings required by most). However, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster holds no such taboos. Indeed, given his numerous noodly appendages it seems as if this particular deity was built for love as this picture neatly demonstrates.

Beat that one Buddha!

It ain't that hard people

2006-02-12T15:50:00.000Z

Really it is quite simple. You get your money out of your pocket, tell the driver where you are going and then hand over some of your cash. You sit down and the bus pulls away. Viola. You have successfully managed to get on a bus. So why, oh why, oh why do so many people appear to have a problem with this? And why do they always appear to be getting on my bus, just in front of me?

I have a solution. Actually I have two, although the second does involve an IQ test, a machete and the breach of certain human rights. My other solution is to remove the obstacles that seem to impede the flow of people onto a bus. First get rid of the need for money. Give everyone an RFID card which you either charge up with money or let it debit your account. Maybe stick some biometric information on it, such as fingerprints and check it as they get on to ensure they are who they say they are. RFID means that people don't need fiddle about in their purse/pocket/bum back to find the correct money or argue with the driver as to why they only have a tenna. People should also be able to find a thumb without too much fuss.

Secondly, re-install separate exit doors. This would stop a mass of people hanging around the on door worried that when their stop arrives they will be unable to walk the 5 metres to the exit. The RFID tag could be monitored as you got off and you would be charged appropriately. Finally, put GPS locators and a transmitter on buses and install electronic displays at bus stops to show you exactly where your bus is. The GPS can also be used to ensure the driver doesn't go on the wrong route "...'cause this is my first time on this route, mate".

See, simple. Now give me a hard one.

Post of the Century

2006-01-27T20:04:00.000Z

Can you believe it, this is my 100th post?! And how did I use it? Well like the majority of the rest I have squandered the oppportunity to have my opinion heard and to make a difference. Instead prefering to prattle on about bugger all. So let us raise a glass in celebration of very little, presented in a well rendered Arial font! Hell what did you expect it's the final of Celebrity Big Brother tonight.

Hurrah for England, etc and here is to another 100 posts.

Plastic arms are a girls best friend

2006-01-22T09:17:00.000Z

Got a load of old plastic dolls you wanna slaughter? Why not follow Margaux Lange and make some adorable jewellery with them.

They also have a bracelet made from bums... I shit you not.

Photo booth joy joy

2006-01-21T18:48:00.000Z

Some ideas are just 'like, sooo cool'. This is one such idea. A club in San Francisco, has a photo booth that posts its pictures to this flickr account. Frankly it's a work of genius. Now you can look at completely pissed people without actually having to be in the club with them.

Portsmouth, we have a problem...

2006-01-16T12:02:00.000Z

This story was posted on Engadget. What I find most intererting is how the probability of this happening has quite obviously been compared to the chances of winning the lottery with just the one ticket. Is this now regarded as the de-facto measure of not very fucking likely?

UK STB sends out SOS

A digital settop box in the UK recently pulled off a feat that is said to
have odds of "far more than 14 million-to-one" when it somehow broadcast
an SOS distress signal on the very channel that the Royal Airforce uses for
emergencies at sea. A Moray-based helicopter spent two hours searching the
Portsmouth Harbour area for the supposed "distressed vessel" before
ground-based techs at telecom regulator Ofcom were able to trace the signal
to a malfunctioning Freeview box located on dry land. Thankfully for the owner of the box, it sent out a mayday as opposed to broadcasting the international signal for "step up, yo," in which case he/she may have ended up suffering the full wrath of the British war machine.

Apple luv Intel

2006-01-11T08:26:00.000Z

Apple finally announced it's first Intel based computers are to be shipped next month and the above are the specmarks for the new 'MacBook' (is that like a Scottish Powerbook?). Nice.

E is the magic letter these days

2006-01-10T09:26:00.000Z

Slashdot are carrying this story on the new Sony e-Book reader. Now I like the idea of e-books but they do lack some of the convenience of a paper back. The major one being cost. If I leave a £4.99 book on a train I am mostly just upset that I can't read it until I get another copy and then I will have to relocate my position. But if I leave £400 of e-book on a train I probably won't give a stuff about the books! Although if it carries 80 books will my insurance reimburse me for those too? Or will the ebook library let me have another download for free? The same is true of DRM linked music too - you might get the insurance to pay out for a new music player, but what about the music that was on it? Does iTunes music store remember what you bought and give you the right to download it again? I don't think so. The whole thing relies on the fact that you have made adequate backups. But how does the average home user backup gigabytes of data?

In the UK there has been a movement to openly share good paperbacks by leaving them on trains and in other public places, perhaps with a few comments in on what you thought about the book (I think it may have been a BBC idea.) This is great idea and gets people exposed to books they wouldn't have normally read. Could there be a an equivalent electronic version of this? I doubt it because electronic data is infinitely copyable and this whole move to electronic forms of books and music is driven by antisharing and cost reduction.

Any 'regular' readers will have noticed that this article lacks many of the authors usual linguistic tools (sarcasm, swearing, idiocy etc). Sorry about that. Normal service will be resumed soon. You wanker. See I told you.

Vicious circles & Passive Squares

2006-01-08T14:01:00.000Z

Celebrity big Brother blah, blah blaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Hang on I thought this programme was to include C-e-l-e-b-r-i-t-i-e-s (whatever one is)? So who have we got? Michael Barrymore, George Galloway and Mrs Dennis Waterman. Who else? Fuck knows. Ohh apart from 'Pete you spin me right round baby right round Burns' For the rest there isn't actually small enough quanta by which to measure their celebrity status. Micro-biologists deal with larger dimensions. Not that this separates them from the sea of other nano-celebrities. Perhaps what Channel 4 actually means is that they will have just as much celebrity 'status' as every other loser on TV the second they walk in the door so who cares if you have never heard of them before.

I usually find BB annoying but compulsive. However, after watching the opening show it was clear that many of the contestants 'personalities' would be measurably improved if their DNA were spliced with that of a bush. Thus, like the 'News of the World' journalist, selflessly reporting on the seeding massage parlor offering extras, I made my excuses and left.

The one were 'The Doctor' thinks he is Captain Kirk

2006-01-05T12:02:00.000Z

In theory, I love Dr. Who. In theory Communism is a great idea. Unfortunately, despite the change of actor, Dr. Who still isn't living up to its' potential. Don't get me wrong I like David Tennant, he's a good actor. And I like his Doctor. He's irreverent, witty, wistful, strong etc. But that's the problem. I've only seen 60 minutes of him (and most of that he was asleep). So why do I like him? I can't know him in this time so it can only be becasue he is living off of the back of previous incarnations. And also because they desperately want you to like The Doctor, instantly. As your mate. Someone you might join down the pub and then go back to his with a take out Jalfrazi to play the latest football game on the XBox. Which just isn't the relationship you should have with The Doctor. In my mind you should grow to like The Doctor despite him, over a period of time. Not in a is-the-doctor-allowed-out-to-play-football-missus kind of way but more like that teacher everyone thought was pretty cool. You know the one, even the 'ard kids said "Yeah, I guess he's alright, for a teacher".

The big mistake they are making though is letting compost based man-twat Russell T. Davies write any of the stories. "The Christmas Invasion". This will be an episode where aliens attempt to invade us at Christmas, I'm guessing. And it will be shown on Christmas Day. Genius. This is so sloppy I'm surprised the entire cast didn't have to wear bibs through most of the scenes. I have a mental image of RTD which is very much like Matt Lucas's Barabra Cartland-esque character Dame Sally Markham but dressed more like John McCririck on his summer hols. Sat eating pugwash flavoured truffles, reeling off 28 word outline treatments before telling his PA to just tag episode 9 of Star Trek on the end. You know, where they encounter a being of 'pure energy' (a coloured cloud) the like of which Spook had never seen before (did he not see the show the week before last? Alright it was mainly red that week but still, how much of a disguise can a being of pure energy muster?). After a brief display of power, Kirk and Co.* manage to back the super intelligent electric cumulus into a logical corner using some superficial thought paradox where the only option left is for it to manifest itself in human form and resolve the issue via the debating medium that is a good fist-fight with Kirk. The final outcome being that the Enterprise is saved with the neuro-altostratus declaring that "perhaps humans are more interesting that it had realised". Ring any bells? Alright the BBC got all 'edgy' and had the alien ship destroyed. But The Doctor. In a Paga? What the fuck?

What can we expect next season? Will the opening shot be one of Rose taken roughly from behind over the control panel of the Tardis whilst The Doctor downs a bottle of Peroni before giving a cheeky 'alright lads' wink to camera? I fear that with the way things are going it is an odds on certainty that the next person to play him will be Robbie Williams. With his mum as his assistant (he loves her you know) as well as the ubiquitous Jonathan Wilkes (he's his best mate and from Stoke too) the Tardis would quickly be filled with a bevy of busty blonde tarts with regular appearances from Ant and Dec, Tom Jones and several overpaid celebrity psycho-analysts (because it's tough being a rich popstar you know). Bring back K9, at least the cunt might trip up over him.

Pip, pip.

*much like 70 's dance troupe Legs and Co. but more hard-core

The Christmas Special

2006-01-05T09:49:00.000Z

So Christmas is receding into the national psyche and all we have now are memories. Ahhh but what memories eh!? Yeah, actually what are they? I bet a lot of our collective memory relates to what we watched on the TV over Christmas. Every year I'm left with the feeling that Christmas TV ain't what is used to be. Which is a feeling I encourage because it's correct. It ain't what it used to be. Or if it is, it is exactly what it used to be because it's a bloody repeat of a 'Two Ronnies' or a 'Morecambe & Wise' Christmas Special from 1982 (I still fucking love it though). Either that or it's another fregging '50 best...' or '100 greatest...' list show. What is our obsession with ranking classic snippets of TV and ask nano-celebrities their valueless opinion of stuff like Fingerbobs or Bagpuss. All of whom never fail to have remarkably good memories of exactly the scenes they are showing taken from an episode first aired when said celeb was just 3 months old. And it's always the one where the mice find and 'fix' the chocolate biscuit making factory except Professor Yaffle works out that, despite the little mice shoving flour and cocoa beans in, it's actually the same biscuit going in the top and coming out the bottom. The cheeky little buggers.

Taking control of your wife

2006-01-04T17:17:00.000Z

Homeopathetic

2006-01-04T07:35:00.000Z

You'd actually be wrong in thinking that these people are on something. They are not, they think they are, but that's because the don't read bad science enough. The daft jizz-monkeys.

An elephant and a mouse were talking together. The elephant said to the mouse: "Why am I so big and strong and heavy and you are so tiny, weak and puny and grey?" The mouse said: "Well, I've been ill haven't I."*

*It's the way I tell'em

Still got love for da High Street

2006-01-03T12:23:00.000Z

We currently appear to be awash with 'business analysts' on our TV's at the moment. All of whom are attempting to allay our fears that ~~big, fat, greedy, corporate bullyboys~~ our friendly high street retailer is ~~able to fiscally urinate obscene quantities of cash-piss over their sponging shareholders~~ still making an honest yet meager profit ~~despite our selfish, miserly and generally penurious attitude~~ thanks to our near mental national obsession with buying stuff. Why am I to care that the likes of 'retail entrepreneur' Philip Green will now have to wipe their public school boy jizz from prostitute harems using twenty pound notes instead of fifties because the British buying public have selfishly opted to buy their mistresses M&S bras and not BHS knickers?

Apparently, the turn over in the high street is indicative of the state of the economy, yet this is never explained in the news. Is it the only metric we have to predict if we are likely to face a recession? Sounds a little weak. Like trying to predict the coming of a tsunami by canvassing stocks of Scottish Bream and Pike on their footwear preferences using a questionaire written in an ancient fish script understood solely by a few Yellow Perch elders.

This link to the Dictionary of English Slang bears absolutely no relation to the above except possibly to enlighten some as to the meaning of the word jizz.

Element particulier

2006-01-03T10:12:00.000Z

Pornography is, on the whole, frowned upon in the workplace. My own employer seriously restricts the flow of what is to most, the essential lifeblood of the internet. Such sanctions are less welcome at this time of year, when I think they are getting a fucking good deal with me just turning up (frankly, I need at least a week to warm me chair before I even think about getting back into a work groove). The least they can do is allow me to intersperse my day with regular visits to some flesh peddling website whose portfolio of images would be as interesting to gynecologists, veterans and greengrocers alike.

What's a guy to do? Well here's a little something that might just help - proper softcore rubbish. It has all the hallmarks of a real porn site, but with none of the ...ermm.. porn. Great for scaring the secretarial staff into thinking you are some kind of freakish sex pest who can't get through the day without a regular montage of vegetable inserted snatch and stuff without actually having to be one.

Alternatively you could just go here. You pays your money...

Chestnuts Roasting etc.

2006-01-02T09:54:00.000Z

If you are anything like me (and I bet you are you handsome devil you) then your a bit of a geek, and thus always prefers the 'techy' solution to a problem. Stuff the problem, a geek just wants the tech, especially if it's pocket sized, silver, has a small menu screen and good battery life. Like foil to a magpie, as long as it sparkles, glistens and delights your inner geek is gonna want it, whatever the fuck it actually does. And there's the rub. Because let's admit it guys (and this is solely Y-chromosome issue I assure you), gadgets are often just not that good. Yes, yes, yes before you start throwing your iPods at me (frankly I'd rather you posted them) I know there are some fabulous gadgets out there. However, for every iPod there's a hundred 'Oakley Thumps' - sunglasses and mp3 player together at last, 'cause your never gonna want music in poor light conditions are you now?!

As a geek I'm often looking for an over tech'd solution to a largely nonexistent problem. Take for example the task of keeping track of peoples contact details. To my wife the answer is simple. You buy one of those little books with the letters down the side and write the names, addresses and telephone numbers of everyone you know on the appropriate page. You put it near the telephone and updated it by crossing out the old details whenever people move or get a new phone. No, doesn't really do it for me either. Instead, I'd rather spend around 500 quid on various PDA's, pocket computers and mobile phones with address books that synchronise (partially) with just about every one of the 167 different Windows, Linux, OSX, Solaris, Spectrum, MSX, BBC Model B and Vic 20 (with 16K RAM pack) address book applications I've installed, loved, crashed, deleted and replaced in the past 20 years. Still, at least I could always read mine in the dark.

Occasionally though, you do get a really well designed, fit for purpose piece of technology. Take for example the donation website JustGiving. This site allows anyone to set up a sponsorship page free of charge. Great if, for instance, you want to hurl yourself out of a perfectly serviceable aircraft wearing little more than a backpack which, according to the person who gave it to you contains a parachute. The benefits are obvious to everyone. You no longer have to wander around the office carrying an old brown envelope filled with £18.87 in loose change and I find it so much easier to ignore things sent in emails. Brilliant! I also felt the same way about the Amazon wish-list. Fabulous idea. I'm much more likely to get things I actually want and the person buying no longer has to agonise about what to get me. Even better I can remain oblivious to what my Christmas bounty will contain until the big day, if I so choose. What could go wrong? Nothing, right? Not unless you too happen to share your name with someone who, as well as having an Amazon wish list, also loves to read about Hungarian waistcoat designs of the 17th Century whilst listening to Daniel O'Donnell singing the hits of ABBA before settling down to watch series 1 and 2 of 'Howards Way'. Thank Christ for eBay.

Creative Writting

2005-12-14T08:58:00.000Z

Googles image search thing used to be fun. You typed in a stupid word and got some weird and wonderful pictures. Instant joy. Is it my imagination or has Google become a bit of a prude? Fortunately there is now Flickr and its wonderful 'tag' feature. Try these for size; arse, tit, wanker,simon.

(taht wenk uoy neht tub) sdrawkcab si tsop siht fo eltit ehT

2005-12-13T21:55:00.000Z

I can't believe that they actually think they are in space. Ohhh hang on one of them just spoke. Yes, I can believe they think they are in space. Sorry.

Coffin Fit

2005-12-11T20:58:00.000Z

Space cadets. I started laughing. Now I'm bored. Yeah they are thick, but then where is the challenge in making them think they are going into orbit? Johnny Vaughan has lost his allure as well. I'm digging 'Chuckle Vision' these days anyway.

Freedom at last?

2005-12-08T09:14:00.000Z

Sorry nodded off there again. Now where was I?

Ahh yes. You probably don't remember and if you did thought it so trivial as to be forgettable, and are now probably quite upset that I'm just about to remind you (look away now if the memory of what is to come is so very bad)* that I became somewhat obssessed with winning a Micro Mart mug. I spent a few weeks carpet bombing their competitions with entries, which paid off as I won a number of times. However, the mugs failed to materialise and so I gave up hope and stopped drinking anything that wouldn't remain in my cupped hands. Well, just the other day my mug finally arrived. Just the one and no note apologising. At least I can start drinking again.

*Yeah I'm completely fucking confused here myself

Illogical Captain

2005-11-12T10:01:00.000Z

What you gonna do when Kraftwerk finally stop making music? No need to worry as those crazy Wolfram research boffins who brought us the wonderful Mathematica (ensuring your employer need never know of your mathematical ineptitude) now bring us the mental-music-making-machine. Happy, happy, joy, joy!!!!

War of the Worlds

2005-11-05T14:14:00.000Z

Built as anti-aircraft installations during World War 2 (in my opinion better than the original despite being longer) to defend London. What is left of Maunsell's Towers look eeriely like the tripod machines used by the Martian invades from War of the Worlds. Particularly those on the cover of Jeff Waynes War of the Worlds. Well don't believe me, take a look for yourselves.

Alright you have to squint a bit. Oh, suit yourselves. See if I care. I can see it. Just 'cause you don't have the imagination don't blame me..

Alright no more pictures.

Lazyitis

2005-11-05T08:10:00.000Z

You know you blog is on the slide when you can't be arsed to write words and just start posting pictures.

Especially ones as crap as that!

Tomatoes are a superfood

2005-11-04T22:40:00.000Z

...but I still cry in toilets. Riddle me that?

Still, here are a few things I found on the internet that I've been hoarding in a little box called Clive that until recently was hidden under my bed. They tell me it's better to share (except when it's chocolate).

I'm not sure about this. OK I guess Iceland can be pretty boring but come on. Who is gonna believe you. Are you mad?

I always thought Yoda was a groovy dude and this just goes to prove it (click on the picture)

Finally, I'm moved to include this picture. At least for now, as long as it behaves.

Flabjous Bird

2005-10-29T21:00:00.000+01:00

Cottage Cheese, Cottage Cheese,
Cottage Cheese guaranteed to please,
Not so much a cheese as a residue,
But a residue that's good for you.

Everyone with children finds them a stress at times. I myself have had occasion to stifle a cry as my son hands me another marmalade coated CD. Daddy quietly weeping as he pretends to enjoy his 'toast'. Did that all sound a bit 18th-century-gent? Sorry the wife is watching Bleak House and it must be affecting me. Be that as it may (sorry) this seems a little harsh.

Much more information can be found here. I bid you good day.

Friday night dweebery

2005-10-28T21:09:00.000+01:00

Sorry folks no content, but you gotta love the style. Me has got me trying various OSX blogging software.

London Calling

2005-10-28T20:16:00.000+01:00

Come in Moscow, this is London. Do you receive, over?

Please to excuse this flock based test post. Outlier service will resume soon.

Spin, spin, spin the wheel of justice

2005-10-26T12:19:00.000+01:00

...see how fast the bastard turns!

I'm gonna take a stand here and admit that I like Dr. Who. Yeah, call me what you like I can handle it. Except 'Kevin', don't want to be called that - bad name, dirty name, in your bed!. It's not all the gadgets and Sci-Fi stories - which I will admit I do enjoy - but I have always enjoyed the character of 'The Doctor' himself. Apart from when it was Sylvester McCoy. Silly that. I was lucky. I grew up watching Tom Baker as 'The Doctor'. His flippant disregard for any authority has left a lasting impression on me, just ask my boss. I also have strange mental connection between amazing science and the Victorian era and there is something of the Victorian gentlemen in 'The Doctor', even if he does wear a leather coat now*.

This is not a gay thing. No, no, trust me. At 7 years old I found something strangely alluring about Sarah Jane. By the time I was 15, Peri (remember her? Australian girl with the bob and the big.. thingies) had my full and undivided attention. However, apparently the gay interest in Dr. Who is on increase thanks to the Captain Jack character getting a spin off series called 'Torchwood'. There is even a blog about it called TORCHWOOD.TV. Given that the lead actor and the producer are both gay the show has been given the nickname "Touch Wood".

Ok so I admit I've been reading the entertainment news on the BBC tonight. But come on, someone has to get to the bottom of what the fuck is going on in Eastenders? How desperate are they when they bring back 'Da Mitchel Brovas'? Why am I bothered? I'm just buying time until Half-Life 2 comes out on XBox next month. Then my blog is gonna dry up, so get it while you can.

Ok so what do we do when we see the wheel of justice? Yep, comb its' hair.

*which reminds me. Hey Glencross! never mind the future we thought we would get, what about the one the Gerry Anderson displayed to us in all its supermarionative glory?!

Nobody asked me but...

2005-10-21T14:44:00.000+01:00

...yes, I reckon the two fat blokes from Wigan who won Bullseye did always sell the speedboat.

What the fuck was going on there? I mean, who on Earth thought that the two "super, grand, smashing" pie lads from "Granadaland" would really want a half share in a speedboat? And why the fuck was it never a speedboat when they lost?

"Oohhh, bad luck there lads!" , says Jim Bowen (is he dead?). "Come and take a look at what you could have won" (the bastard). The stage rotates to reveal a gleaming, top of the range Ford Granada. "Don't fucking touch it, lard boy" (well I never remember him actually saying that, but it was definitely the subtext, you could see it in his eyes). "At least the money was safe" says Jim as he counts out the 80 quid. "And don't forget all the other prizes you won, like the fridge freezer and cordless telephone".

Community chest

2005-10-20T20:21:00.000+01:00

I remember the night of the first national lottery draw. I confess I got whipped up in the frenzy of media excitement; planned what I would spend the money on; what charities I would support; what substances I was going to become addicted to; plane or helicopter (not easy). I listened to all the number picking advice - go for numbers greater than 31 so as to avoid birthdays. Yeah, 'cause like sharing 8 million quid with 3 people would be a real bummer! Anyway I bought a ticket. Surprisingly the first 3 numbers out of the machine were also on my ticket. The next number was only 1 different (i.e. 42 and I had 41) and the remaining two were no more than 3 out. A quick comparison between my ticket and the winning numbers would get your pulse racing - couldn't resist that one on my mother, thought she was gonna explode, bless her. I hadn't won the jackpot but I had one a tenner.

Now despite the fact that I know more than I ever want to about statistics and thus was fully aware that each weeks draw is independent of any other, I couldn't help thinking that I was never come that close again. In truth, I probably wasn't. Not because I had already had come close and the Ether, some how knowing this, wouldn't configure itself to my favor again (like it does with QPR. Damn you Universe!!). But simply because it is an event unlikely ever to happen. To be honest I was a little disappointed in myself for not remaining the emotionally detached scientist so I made up a rule. I could only buy a lottery ticket if I choose the previous weeks winning numbers. It acts as a kind of mental reminder that 'It probably won't be me'. It also ensures I never buy more than one ticket - owning two with the same numbers means that, at best, you just end up sharing the winnings with yourself. Something which is guaranteed to put a strain on any relationship. I also rarely know last weeks winning numbers so I rarely bother.

It is easy to believe that statistics is straight forward, when in fact it is a very tricky tool to wield correctly. For an example of how an apparently simple gameshow can confuse even the best statisticians check out the Monty Hall problem (aka Montys Goat). I once got very agitated with a mates wife as she kept insisting that the numbers 1,2,3,4,5 & 6 where far less likely to be drawn in the national lottery than any other particular set of numbers, despite accepting that all numbers where equally likely. So when you get the option to dance with chance, say no thanks and take a community chest instead. You never know, it might be your birthday or better still your bank might pay you a dividend! (Jesus, what a tenuous link to the title!)

In great company

2005-10-19T09:23:00.000+01:00

It's official, blogging is the new rock-and-roll. And they don't come more rock-and-roll than this Rock God. Have I ever bored you with the story about Keith Moon's mum being my godmother? No? Great! Well it all began in Chaplin Road, Wembley....

Framley my dear, I don't give a damn

2005-10-18T21:14:00.000+01:00

Yeah, yeah The Onion is funny, but if you really wanna laugh until a little bit of wee comes out then it's got to be The Framley Examiner*. For the sake of your soul read the classifieds. Genius.

(Did you see what I did with the title there, eh? I used a very famous quote but changed the word "Frankly" to "Framley". Clever or what? You don't get writing like that on every blog).

*thanks to bloggers blog for reminding me.

Money and Sense? No way!

2005-10-18T14:09:00.000+01:00

I'm not one to boast, but what was I just saying about men over bidding on eBay? Now, you can easily spend a lot on a little but this guy must take the biscuit. He just spent $1825 on a single cartridge game for the old Atari 2600 console. Ok the game is rare - only 125 were made - but come on! I mean, just take a look at what he is getting...

I'm sure there must be an emulator he could play this on. Apparently the original game was never sold, just given to Coca Cola employees. I just love the fact that the first guy bid $12 - boy was he out of his league!

eBay, shopping for men

2005-10-17T13:38:00.000+01:00

As any woman will tell you, men are rarely enthusiastic about the idea of a Saturday afternoon spent wondering around the shops. True, this is partly because it clashes head on with the football. More fundamentally though, it denies man the use of half his hunter-gatherer skills. Psychologically it's more than 50%; let's face it no man makes much of a fuss about his gathering skills does he? So how do you get a man interested in shopping? eBay, that's how.

eBay has a distinct difference to virtually every other form of shopping, including other internet shopping sites. Something which is fundamentally designed to appeal to the male psyche. It's a competition. It brings back the hunt to resource collection. You can't just waltz into an eBay shop, slap down your cash, pick up your Liberty X t-shirt and walk out. No, no. On eBay you have to find it, stalk it, hunt it, snipe it and win it. So powerful is the competitive aspect, that I reckon there are blokes out there who have paid over 100 quid for series 2 of The Office on DVD just to know that they denied some other bastard it. They won. He lost. And for a man, you can't put a price on that feeling.

Don't assume that this psychological trick will remain solely with eBay. Your local Tescos could soon become a Savannah where wild Kingsmill loaves graze nervously and packs of organic peach yogurts stand like Meercats listening out for any signs of the return of man, the hunter*!

*with his list, basket and loyality card.

Nobody asked me but...

2005-10-15T16:32:00.000+01:00

...yes, the moderately mad do always appear to be walking off as they talk/rant/dribble at you. I realised this just this morning as I drove passed a bus stop where a young couple were clearly being subjected to the philosophical ramblings of a particularly energetic community care client. In the 7 seconds it took us to passby he gave the appearance of leaving on no less than 4 occassions. Each time dashing their hopes by returning to continue his undoubtedly incomprehensible monologue on 'what the fecking bastards are trying to do to me now'. Why do all such "local characters" style themselves on the mannerisms of Detective Columbo?

It is a fact of modern living in the UK that most bus routes come equipped with a nutter. Typically male, in his mid to late 30's but with the appearance of someone much older. Although not a complete lunatic, this individual lives on the border of sanity. Whilst some of his time is spent inhabiting a mental state that is the psychological equivalent of sheltered housing close to normalsville, you can be sure that whenever you encounter him he is midway through an extended vacation on the Costa-del-Bonkers. Dressed casually in a dusty old pair of trousers and a jumper (no shirt) embossed with a pattern that would even have looked a bit overboard in the 80's. A combination often given a personal touch with a neckless photo ID with a picture of the loon that could literally have been taken 30 seconds earlier, further supporting the hypothesis that he does, indeed live in those clothes. His hair is heavily tussled in exactly the way Mr Darcys wasn't and is either greying or flecked with his own dried semen. In another dimension he would cut quite a dash, turning heads. In these 4 it's more likely to be stomachs.

My experience is that you will more often encounter the bus nutter at a bus stop, rather than on a bus. I'm sure the appropriate statistical analysis for this has already been published in a relevant journal, such as "The Royal Statistical Society Journal of Nutter Distribution". It has also been my experience that the presence of the nutter is often correlated with a long delays in the bus service. My paranoid self imagines a backlog of buses building up just around the corner as passengers and drivers crowd around a specially installed screen fed live from a secret camera hidden at the stop. Raucous laughter as they watch my increasingly desperate attempts to humor my volatile cabaret artist.

Do you think they all have a bus route specifically allocated? Do they have 'turf wars' over the best ranting patches? (in Manchester the 192 route is particularly over crowded). Perhaps if any of them have blogs I could ask. I suppose I could do a search for http://busnutter.blogspot.com. Although, thinking about it do I really need to look very far to find a rambling ranter? Hmmm, I wonder if I still have that electric blue Pringle jumper upstairs...

Stupid song title number 174

2005-10-15T14:29:00.000+01:00

Great Balls of Fire by Jerry Lee Lewis.

I foresee nothing 'great' about having balls of fire. The idea of having that kind of heat around my genitalia doesn't appeal. I would have imagined it would also cost a pretty penny in underwear. Stupid title.

What if all the worlds Philosophers and great thinkers have overlooked the obvious and that the Hoki Coki is what is all about? Remember folkes knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom, however, is not putting one in a fruit salad.

Radio Ga-Ga

2005-10-13T19:31:00.000+01:00

I reckon the late Freddie Mercury must have commuted around the Manchester area. Can't you just see him in his little Ford Granada with his big 'tash singing along to Kylie like a man possessed? - try the M60 on a Friday, your bound to see him. I imaging this because the song title 'Radio Ga-Ga' can only have been inspired by hours of suffering at the hand of Manchesters local radio stations. It takes me roughly 30 minutes to get to and from work and during that time I nearly always have the radio on. This is largely because my car only has a radio and that I haven't yet mustered enough arsenessed to replace it with something I can choose what gets played. Is 'arsenessed' a word?

arsenessed (noun): The state of being sufficiently bothered to get off ones backside and do something about that which arses you. - There, it is now.

Anyway during this hour, I have to put up with the most inane chatter possible. Given the current technical limitations I can basically select between 6 stations. These are Radio 1, Century FM, Key 103, Radio 4, Imagine FM and The Revolution. I can, as a backup and via a manual retune - something which involves a substational amount of swearing, readjustment of the ariel via an open sunroof and an inevitable straddling of lanes on the A34 - pick up Radio 2, Smooth FM, Classic FM, Radio 3 and the risible All FM. Now aside Radio 4 (I want to like Radio 4 in the morning, I really do. I wanna be a proper adult. However, there is something about the sound of John Humphreys voice that makes me feel like I did when my dad watched Nationwide at 6 every week night. The only program that went on for 19 hours. The show that made the testcard look the like fucking Cup Final). Aside Radio 4 there is nothing to distinguish the others. They all follow exactly the same formula. Scaled depending on budget. I reckon they get them out of a packet. Like a deep freezed radio program, complete with;

One 'wacky' young male presenter. Possibly with spikey hair. History of being bullied at school.

One female sidekick, blonde (yeah I know its radio but you can hear it). More intelligent than the main presenter. Exactly how much more intelligent is directly proportional to the gap between when she laughs at a joke and when he does.

One male or female news/weather reporter. Typically funnier than the main presenter but slightly deaf, so that the presenter has to repeat each gag at least 3 times.

Random 'traffic' reporter. Gender unknown. Prolonged history of deep stupidity.

Radio 1 can afford to expand on this theme. Chris Moyles has his male sidekick plus a bunch of other random people knocking about the studio - its the pauses with him that really do me in - plus the famous guests. Imagine FM on the otherhand just has the basic male with female sidekick and they do all the totally useless weather and traffic reports.

Now the setup is bad, but not as bad as the execution. The poor gags. The forced laughter. The shite competitions. But what really gets me is the fact they all work in synchronism. Each station apparently without connection to the others. They all chat along merrily whilst I sit there flicking between them looking for a song, anything! They all play the news and weather at the same time. When they do play a song it is limited to one from about 9 artists. At least 3 of which are 'Keane'. Even 'The Revolution' an otherwise good station with dejays including Clint Boon, Peter Hook and Mani, goes fucking idiotville in the morning.

Oh my god, I feel one of my heads coming on. I must retire forthwith.

Sorry for the delay.

2005-10-13T12:52:00.000+01:00

I appeared to nod off there for a moment. Did I miss anything?

IRA decommission their weapon (honest)

2005-09-26T21:05:00.000+01:00

An aid to General John de Chastelain stands alongside the weapon prior to decommissioning.

The IRA has put all of its weapon beyond use, the head of the arms decommissioning body has said. Mr de Chastelain said that he had personally removed the elastic band and wouldn't be giving it back.

See that there 80's Norwegian pop sensation Aha together with that there Dr. Evil and his sidekick Mini Me...

2005-09-26T15:22:00.000+01:00

...you imagine yourself to be their illegitimate love child you do.

The War on Nature

2005-09-26T09:54:00.000+01:00

In a completely contrived story imagined by myself, George 'dubya' Bush has declared war on what he calls "the ultimate enemy"; nature. The White House has described Hurricane Rita as the second unprovoked attack on US soil in as many months. In a statement it said it could no longer stand by whilst this organisation killed innocent US citizens, it had to act.

Soon after this the president is known to have met with a group of top Mathematicians working in the field of chaos theory. Not long after that meeting, President Bush signed an order granting government agents the right to shot to kill the entire US population of butterflies.

In a brief statement that he didn't make, President Bush said "My fellow Americans and other peoples of the free world of none American origin. Our war on terror has expanded. We face a new adversary; nature. Nature is all around us. Do not believe Nature will not harm you. Be scared, but remain patriotic. Rest assured we will prevail."

So what do we know of this organisation, Nature. Well, surprisingly we know an awful lot. Whilst the exact origins of the organisation are unknown there is a lot of evidence that Nature was established many millions of years ago. Some people even believe it just took 6 days for the entire organisation to be constructed. The organisation is thought to be headed by someone known only as 'Mother Nature'. Whilst there are no images of her, government intelligence groups here in the UK believe she lives in the Croydon area of London and have already appealed to the House of Commons for authority to commence phone tapping.

Monkeys from his butt

2005-09-25T19:35:00.000+01:00

Him: "...just like when monkeys came from his butt..."

Me: "Wait, wait! When what, came from where?"

Him: "His butt. Monkeys, you know?"

Me: "No. Hahahahaha! You are fucking with me right?"

Him: "I shit you not."

Me: "But how did they get up there and more to the point how did they get out? You are fucking with me"

Him: "Come on, would I?"

Me: "Yes"

Him: "Hahahahahaha, yeah you got me. I'm just joking"

Me: "Hahahahahaha. Bastard, I knew it!"

Him: "Got you."

Me: "Yeah you got me."

Both: quiet

Him: "So that was Pizza Hut, Didsbury you wanted?"

I just love hanging with those guys at 118118

Pete! How the devil are ya?

2005-09-24T09:04:00.000+01:00

Although billions of people can read your blog, it doesn't need to have mass appeal. Many people blog a lot of everyday things. Perhaps for the benefit of a close group of friends or family. For others they write just in case they make a connection with someone they have never and will never meet. Another reason people write about the everyday is to help collect their own thoughts. I find this idea quite appealing as my thoughts are often muddled and my memory of exact events never actually that, well, exact. So here goes.

I bumped into an old mate called Pete last night at Tescos. I shouted "Pete, Pete!", but he couldn't hear me. So I went closer to him and said "Pete, Pete!" He still didn't hear me. He was packing his shopping into his car, probably relieved to get out of the madness that is the modern hypermarket. I readjusted my tone. "Pete!". He turned around, saw me and smiled. It was good to catch up.

Hang on, was that how it happened?

I bumped into an old mate called Pete last night at Tescos. I shouted "Pete, Pete!", but he couldn't hear me. So I went closer to him and said "Pete, Pete!" I was getting closer. I started to panic. "Peteeee!" I screamed. He looked up and leapt out the way as I swerved to the right, just missing a car. I stopped. "Where the fuck is your head?" I shouted "I nearly came off my bike!" "Sorry", he said "Miles away. New bike?" I got off.

No, now I'm getting more muddled; this is harder than I thought. Ahhh, yep I remember now...

I bumped into an old mate called Pete last night at Tescos. I shouted "Pete, Pete!", but he couldn't hear me. So I went closer to him and said "Pete, Pete!". He still couldn't hear me. Not surprising really as, for a street audience the applause was quite energetic. I gave up and just stood and watched. "For my next trick" Pete began, "I will need a volunteer from the crowd and" he paused, "a shotgun". The crowd laughed. He winked at me. So he had seen me. "Come on, someone must want to volunteer". The crowd laughed again. He was good, I'd give him that.

Sorry about this. Very embarrassing, that's not what happened.

I bumped into an old mate called Pete last night at Tescos. I shouted "Pete, Pete!", but he couldn't hear me. So I went closer to him and said "Pete, Pete!" He was ignoring me. I don't blame him after what happened. I gave it one more shot. "Peteeee!" I screamed. A woman and a man turned around and smiled nervously. Pete looked up and stared. I stared back, said nothing. He looked away. I walked on. He obviously hasn't forgiven me.

No, that's not it either.

I bumped into an old mate called Pete last night at Tescos. I shouted "Pete, Pete!", but he couldn't hear me. So I went closer to him and said "Pete, Pete!". He turned to look at me, his eyes as dead as night. "Feed me" he mouthed. Blood oozing from his mouth. I started backwards, edging away from him as he began to move toward me. "Feed me!" he cried again. As I looked around I noticed the same glazed look on other peoples eyes. A woman moved closer and grabbed my arm. I jumped. "If you want to live trust me" she said and pulled me towards a blue van whose engine was running.

Come to think of it I don't think it was like that either. Maybe...

I bumped into an old mate called Pete last night at Tescos. I shouted "Pete, Pete!", but he couldn't hear me. So I went closer to him and said "Pete, Pete!". No reply. I draw even closer. "Pete, its me" I said. No reply. I moved right next to him. "Hi Pete" I said. He got in his car, closed the door as though I wasn't even there. I banged on the window. "Hey, man wait" I shouted as he started the engine and began to reverse. "Careful Pete, you'll run me...." My words cut short as Pete and his car passed straight through me. I stood in amazement. My God, the old man was right. I am dead.

Hmmmm.. Last go.

I bumped into an old mate called Pete last night at Tescos. I shouted "Pete, Pete!", but he couldn't hear me. So I went closer to him and said "Pete, Pete!". As he turned around I realised that it wasn't Pete but none other than Simon Le Bon from Duran Duran. "Oppps, sorry I thought you were someone else", I said. "Not at all.", he replied, "I bet you thought I was Pete Burns from 80's pop weirdos Dead or Alive?". "No", I replied. And walked off.

Ohh God, I'm well muddled. I know.

Last night I stayed in and did nothing.

There. Easy. That tally with your memory of events Pete?

See that there Condoleezz Rice, Assistant to the US President for National Security Affairs...

2005-09-23T16:23:00.000+01:00

...you fancy her you do.

SOSUV: The Devils Ringpiece

2005-09-23T11:37:00.000+01:00

Bear with me on this, I know where I am going.

There are three major forms of fossil fuels: coal, oil and natural gas. The age when they were formed is called the Carboniferous Period (part of the Paleozoic Era if you are really interested) and occurred from about 360 to 286 million years ago. Oil has been used for more than 5,000-6,000 years. The ancient Sumerians, Assyrians and Babylonians used crude oil and asphalt (or 'pitch') collected from large seeps at Tuttul (modern-day Hit) on the Euphrates River. The ancient Egyptians, used liquid oil as a medicine for wounds, and oil has been used in lamps to provide light. However, it wasn't until 1859, when Edwin L. Drake pumped the first oil from underground in Pennsylvania USA, that the mass extraction of oil began.

Now, in recent times the majority of oil extracted from the Earth has been used to power transportation; airplanes, boats, cars, motorbikes, etc. Millions of years in the making with the potential to accelerate our technological evolution. A free, but limited energy stepping stone for mankind. You can almost believe it to be a divine gift (if your that way inclined) for making it down from the trees and getting along with each other a bit better (relatively speaking, obviously). And what do we do with it? Yep, burn it.

Yes I know that to liberate the potential energy bound up in the fuel the rapid chemical reaction known as combustion is very useful. And yes I'm sure that some very important developments in mankinds advancement have been made possible because people get to travel to each other. No it's not that we do it. It's not even that we do it a lot (well it is that too). It's just how it is done that can really annoy me. Well, OK, I'll be honest, its fucking Sports Utility Vehicles that annoy me.

How they look. How they are driven. Them that drives them.

Tell me, at what point does some city dwelling, overpaid halfwit have the thought "Blimey, the grass verges outside Tristians* school are getting a bit overgrown I doubt the Jaguar will have the horse power to get off on a dewy morning. I wonder what kind of vehicle I could buy to deal with this issue?" And when they do have this little conversation with themselves, where the hell does the notion of buying the Suburu XRTDD9000 Ex-Military Bastard Wagon become a perfectly reasonable solution? I ask you! (does a rhetorical question need a question mark? Hell, here's one just in case '?')

I think that drivers of SUVs are a 'special' breed; as in sat - at - the - back - of - the - class - with - a - book - with - no - big - words - in - during - english - lessons - smelling - of - wee special. Of which their elite is the Single Occupancy SUV driver (SOSUV).

One man (or sadly to say quite often one woman). One tank. One mile per gallon.

I'm fortunate enough to be able to observe this particular group in one of their many natural habitats in one of the wealthy parts of Cheshire in the UK (I don't live their, I just work there). And I'm pretty sure they have all been on the same SOSUV driving course which must consist of the following classes;

Eye contact and how to avoid it

Nudging out in an SUV, even white van drivers think twice

Lifts and 25 excuses for not giving them

Bluetooth headsets and other paraphernalia to make you feel more like Captain Scarlet

The road and why you own it [joint class with drivers of 'Marques of Distinction']

I might be alone in my world, but I'm not alone in my dislike for SUVs.

*AntToeKnee would like to take this opportunity to apologise to anyone called Tristian. However, with a name like that you probably deserve it so this an opportunity he won't be taking. Sorry.

See that there Jay Kay of that there band Jamiroquai...

2005-09-21T21:05:00.000+01:00

...thats your mum that is.

Nobody asked me but...

2005-09-21T13:38:00.000+01:00

...no, I don't think Noel Coward would approve of the Bush administration.

I happen to be in a fortunate position when it comes to knowing the mind of the late Noel Coward. For nearly 40 years my father has been in regular contact with his dead spirit. What is perhaps most remarkable about this is, for the first 10 years, Noel Coward was still alive. Indeed at the precise moment he died on the 26th March 1973 he was busy lecturing my father, as he often did, on the joy of the theatre. "The theatre should be treated with respect. The theatre is a wonderful place, a house of strange enchantment, a temple of illusion. What it most emphatically is not and never will be is..." at which point he announced that he felt somewhat dizzy and would reconnect again in a moment. As promised, a few minutes later my father could once again hear the familiar call of "Dear boy, dear boy! as Noel always referred to him. He then continued "Now, where was I? ahh yes.. What it most emphatically is not and never will be is a scruffy, ill-lit, fumed-oak drill hall serving as a temporary soap box for political propaganda." Apparently, during this brief pause, Noel Coward had taken the opportunity to die of a heart attack and pass over to the other side. My father tells me that this event had two noticeable affects on their discussions. First, it seemed to improve Noel Cowards overall state of mind because of, one must assume, more liberal attitudes in the afterlife towards things like homosexuality and the wearing of smoking jackets. Secondly, it greatly reduced the background noise.

Ever since Noel has kept my father appraised of current thinking in the spirit world, on a wide variety of matters. For instance I recently learnt that Genghis Karn believes Sven to be right in keeping England in a 4-4-2 formation. Also, whilst they admit they aren't experts, Albert Einstein and Tomas de Torquemada (who in 1483 became the inquisitor-general for most of Spain) both feel that the 'Pop Idol' formula isn't working anymore and "...that Simon Cowell bloke can be a complete cunt." (Einsteins words apparently)

On George 'dubya' Bush, Noel has this to say; "He is a first class buffoon. Whilst I am quite prepared, on occasion, to suffer a fool, I would not extend an invitation to anyone with such obvious consanguinity to the ape world." And if he is no good for Noel Coward, then he is no good for England. Pip, pip. Chin up.

Progress Jim, but not as we know it

2005-09-21T07:03:00.000+01:00

It is my firm belief that genuine progress has only occured in Britain during two periods. Once between around 55 BC and 400 AD when a lot of the basic infrastructure necessary to run a country was introduced; roads, education, sewers, farming and the like. The second period occured during the 1800's when, essentially, a lot of this infrastructure was modernised. I guess some of this you may remember from your history lessons. However, what you probably weren't taught at school was that all of this work was carried out under the supervision of an alien race, originally known as the Romans and more recently as The Victorians. When they left for the second time, in the early nineteenth century they did so in enormous velvet linned, iron clad spacecraft. Undoubtedly powered by steam and with a Lionel Jefferies like character at the helm.

Very little of anything productive happened in-between these two periods. There was the introduction of a lot of bureaucracy; some light killing; the creation of various religious subcatagories; the persecution of unfashionable religious subcatagories; some heavier killing in the name of religion and it's more fashionable subcatagories as well as a wide variety of silly hats. However in the most part we British stood around, got wet and apologised for stuff, especially the getting wet but, oddly not often for the killing and never for the hats.

"So what about all the wonders that have been developed since?" I don't hear you not asking. Well, let us take for example the Apple iPod Shuffle. Now I'm a fan of Apple and in particular what it has done to bring style to a UNIX model operating system. However, the Shuffle is actually being marketed on the absense of a feature, i.e. a screen. Apple are trying to convince us that not knowing what song will play next will somehow enrich our otherwise predictable and mundane existances. I imagine Apple will next suggest that owners of original iPods can spice up their lives by Gaffer taping over their screens. What next? Will Ordnance Survey release a cheaper series of "maps" - essentially blank pieces of paper - so we can experience the fun and general wackiness of not having the faintest idea how to get off the mountain? I doubt our Victorian overlords would have been impressed. No, I expect they would have placed the iPod Shuffle in a freakshow alongside the incredible bearded lady and Jo-Jo the dogfaced boy.

See that there William Wallace...

2005-09-20T07:00:00.000+01:00

...thats you that is

Biscuit of the Week a "Disappointment"

2005-09-19T16:10:00.000+01:00

In the fast moving world of biscuits Nice-cup-of-tea-and-a-sit-down is reporting that Biscuit of the Week, a new chocolate chip cookie, is a "diappointment". Initially this weeks contender, the McVities Chip 'n' Chunk Cookie, promised to delight. Testers were looking for "quality, innovation and good old fashioned cup of tea appeal" from the new line in cookie style biscuits from McVities. They were happy to note that hydrogenated fat had been left out as is proving more common with biscuit manufacturers nowadays. They were further encouraged by the increase in chocolate content with the introduction of larger milk chocolate chunks. Ultimately, however the biscuit didn't deliver, "...the chocolate bits are all very chocolately as one would hope for, but the biscuit part seems to have taken a step back to become a simple foil to the chocolate" said one of the testers. It seems as though, for now at least, Maryland can rest easy.

A McVities spokesperson hasn't been contacted.

Full Story Here

Behold the majesty(ies) of our creator(s)!

2005-09-19T13:31:00.001+01:00

Cast aside your heathen beliefs and embrace the one, true religion at The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Visit this site to be touched by his noodly appendage. Alternatively, you could choose to be blessed by the holy hooves of the The Invisible Pink Unicorn. This religion takes an opposing stance to that of the Fly Spaghetti Monster, asserting that it is a real test of faith to believe that something invisible is indeed pink. Hmmm, looks like your traditional faiths are starting to get some decent competition at last.

See that there 'A Flock of Seagulls'...

2005-09-19T08:58:00.000+01:00

...that's you that is.

Not everyone has a mate called Dave

2005-09-18T07:57:00.000+01:00

My mate Dave pronounces the word "Magnificent" in such a way that, when I heard it for the first time, it made me realise I had been misusing the word all of my life. I don't use it anymore because if I do, I feel like a fake; a pretender; a pale imitation of its one, true guardian. I know how it should sound and the emotions it should evoke and I don't see that in people when I say it. Or anybody else for that matter. Only when Dave does. I say pronounce but Dave almost roars the initial "Mag" as though trying to gain the attention of any available lioness roaming the Serengeti. By the time he gets into the "ificent" the whole room is electrified and somewhat unnerved. However, as if knowing that his entire audience is now in the exact same mental state as it would be, had they just discovered that a small thermo-nuclear device had been implanted in their underpants, Dave soothes them with gentle yet reassuring tone. To be in the room when he said it was an experience, but to be the recipient was truly a humbling event. When Dave told you something was "Magnificent" you were left with absolutely no doubt that it was. In that moment the magnificence of whatever it was you were discussing was so certain to you that it sat just above the entry for "what is your name" on a list of things of which you were certain.

Dave worked in the same research group as me for a number of years as a quantum chemist with a particular interest in dipole-dipole couplings (no, me neither). His lab was across the 'quad' from mine and I often imagined what might be going on in there - I can spend a lot of time 'away with the fairies'. I could quite have imagined Dave to come rushing out of his lab, frazzled looking and wide eyed. Grabbing the first poor foreign student who happened by and yelling "What year is it?!" Their answer quickly followed with the second demand of "Well, what month?" and so on until he was on the phone to the speaking clock to test the accuracy of the students wrist watch to the nearest millisecond. When you went into his lab, you never knew if you were gonna find him stood their all 'Gordon Freeman' like, clutching a crowbar demanding to know if "you saw them too". Or whether, late at night you would find the room bathed in the glow of a completely new colour, Dave struggling with the controls of some enormous, slightly unstable looking contraption mumbling something about "the portal collapsing too soon". Even receiving an email from Dave could bring butterflies to the stomach. Seeing his name under From I half expected the text to apologise for some recent disruption to the space-time continuum and to assure us that he will have the value of pi back to close to the original within the hour, but in the meantime we may experience some irregularities with anything reasonably spherical (and that it was probably best not to drive).

I still hold out hope for Dave to take his rightful place as the next Dr. Who. That way I really could relive my childhood; hiding behind the sofa to watch it. Not because the monsters scare me you understand. No, no. Solely because, with Dave at the helm, I'm pretty sure the visual effects for the TARDIS dematerialising would start to look just a little too convincing.

The Fuuuutuuuure

2005-09-17T19:58:00.000+01:00

My earliest computing memory is of a cold Christmas morning in '82. That was the year I got my first computer, a Commodore Vic-20. To be honest, I was a little fearful of it. This was no bout of infant technophobia, but genuine concern for my soul. You see due to poor spelling my Christmas list had accidently been sent to Satan. Although I desperately wanted the machine I was more than a little reluctant to trade my living soul and consequently condeming myself to an eternity of suffering at the hand of the cloven one, in exchange for this electronic trinket. Well, I mean, it only had 3.5KB of RAM. However, it didn't take me long to overcome my concerns and begin a long and happy career in computing. And I wasn't alone. Many of todays computing professionals cut their teeth on machines that were little more than pocket calculators that you couldn't use when Coronation Street was on. However, it was this simplicity, this unembelished physical implemetation of the very essence of what makes a computer that allowed school children across the world to experience, understand and quickly master the technology. As a result many of the leading software packages and top games were the output of one individual. From their bedroom. Written in the time between the end of 'Willow The Wisp' and trying to sneak downstairs unnoticed to see the start of The Sweeney (sorry to anyone not versed in late 1970's/early 1980's British TV)

Fast-forward a couple of decades to find my four year old daughter interacting with CBeebies characters, rendered almost indistiguishable from their TV counterparts. All this done on a home computer whose performance is several orders of magnitude greater than the machines on which her father did a numerically intensive, computing PhD. How will her generation cut their teeth? I can't believe this will be a father-daughter shared experience. What I can believe is that open source software projects will have a part to play in developing their appreciation, knowledge and most importantly their interest. Both technically, in terms of the tools and software available as well as culturally. I just hope the hardware doesn't cost me an arm and a leg.

Still, if I need the extra money, I could always market my idea for a 'Top-Trumps Computing Components' series. You may well laugh, but I'm convinced that the 400GB Hitachi Deskstar 7K400 (in the Hard Disk pack) would gain the same legendary status as the Silver Surfer in the original Marvel Heroes edition. Probably.

Bush Wacka

2005-09-17T16:46:00.000+01:00

The aftermath of hurricane Katrina has left me with an ominous thought. If George W. Bush could watch images of a f**king enormous hurricane bearing down on the Southern states of the USA and do so little, what chance that he will respond to a few graphs showing the predicted increases a CO2 emissions? They should sow the fur back on and release him back into the rainforest with the rest of the chimps.

Anderson you old bugger you

2005-09-17T12:46:00.000+01:00

Bloddy hell! I've just finished watching an episode of the New Captain Scarlet series and it is pretty damn good. All CGI and, bar a few wobbly face gestures, has a fantastic cinematic feel that only Gerry could deliver. As with the original the storylines are quite dark. "Groovy!" (as Bruce Campbell once said, as he donned a chainsaw replacing the hand he had just cut off).

Zero Comment Blogs of the World Unite!

2005-09-17T08:39:00.000+01:00

If you flick around using the 'next blog' button you come across a lot of weird and wonderful blogs. OK, you hit a lot of chaff mainly various blog spams - both classic I-have-something-to-sell-you-spam and those awful blogs that connect to piles of other sites and bombard you with as many demonstrations as possible that the writer read a javascript book once. You know what I mean, blogs like this one - why are they always Japanese girls between the ages of 12-16? Anyway I digress. Something you notice as you blog wonder is that there are many sincerely, well written blogs out there which get little readership, if the post comments are to be believed at any rate. So distressing is this lack of obvious interest that some people turn off the add comment functionality altogether. Better convince themselves that they actually have a very large and enthusiastic audience, aching to contact this artistic genius. So if you read a blog post a comment. More than that seek out the 'Zero Comment' blogs (yep like mine, well have you never read The Selfish Gene?) and bring a little happiness. Particulalrly if your own blog appears more written to be written than written to be read. You can start with the 'next blog' you find :)

P.S.
Has anyone else noticed that the built in spell checker on blogger, doesn't recognise the word 'blog' - how very odd.

Winners and losers

2005-09-16T22:10:00.000+01:00

Technology is a funny thing. As with anything there are winners and losers.

Consider the problems now faced by any genuine African nation dictator. They must be particularly anxious. Why? Well, exactly how will they dispose of their wealth once they become exiled? Imagine you were to get an email from someone in this position, begging for your assistance in getting their money out of the country before the coup d 'etat. I bet you would just delete it wouldn't you? I wouldn't be surprised if your email system has done that numerous times already, without you even knowing. Poor bastards. After spending weeks researching you on the internet, learning about your great bushiness accument and how your are such an honorable person. What do you do? You don't even bother to read this heart felt plea from a desperate man. Yes, he may have made some mistakes, but doesn't everyone deserve a second chance? After all, he was probably intending to use the money to move many of the orphans from his country to a better life in the west. It's even worse once the bloke has died and his innocent wife is being hounded out of the country and you could be her last hope. You make me sick.

On the other hand there are some winners. Like people with schizophrenia, who until less than a decade ago where easily recognizable as mentalists by the simple fact they talked to themselves on public transport. Well, now it's a lot harder to spot them, thanks to the prevalence of mobile phone hands free systems. Oh yes, now they blend in to the community; just appearing as though they are having a permanent conversation with a close family member who is asking them to do something they don't, to the pretty girl in front. I think even Gollum would get away with it most of the time.

Retraction of apology

2005-09-16T16:05:00.000+01:00

Hell, why should I apologise? It's my blog after all so I can write what I want. I don't need your approval. If you don't like it you can just p**s off and go back to your own blog. Shabby little effort that it is. Ohh yes, not feeling so clever now are you?

Apology for the previous post

2005-09-16T15:54:00.000+01:00

Sorry, that was very lame.