Life beyond the third standard deviation

Wave After Wave They Came

2007-08-17T16:29:00.000+01:00

I have a guilty pleasure.

Sorry, that makes it sound slightly exciting which it isn't really. Just a little sad. You see I find I get a great sense of well being from being able to walk around a miniature or model village.

Especially when the place is a familiar one like Polperro (left). I get into this frankly, ridiculous process of recognising all the different bits and relating them to their original, larger counterparts. On a bad day I try to engage others with idiot statements like "Oh my god! That bit there is that road with the shop on it!". Or the what-must-be frustrating "Do you recognise that? Do ya? Do ya?". And no, sadly I don't "get bored in a minute" as my wife would hope.

The whole thing takes on a new, terrible level of thrill (for me) if the village is equipped with some form of working railway - this is often the point where any realism is quickly lots as we don't actually have a full size working railway anywhere in Britain. This excitement rises to orgasmic if you can actually sit on the trains (note: I actually audibly 'eeked' as I wrote that)

So what is it that I enjoy so much about these places? Frankly I'm f**ked if I know. Maybe it's the chance to act out my favourite Godzilla based moves (although the village owners are rarely happy to allow me destroy large chunks of their site even with my supersonic-monster-screech). More likely it has something to do with all those fabulous models from the Gerry Anderson programs from my childhood. It wouldn't surprise me to learn that, like most things, model villages are just another poor substitute for the fact that 'Space 1999' isn't real and I'm not an astronaut.

Once more, I've shared too much.

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme,

2007-08-15T19:48:00.000+01:00

Did a little camping in Scarborough and for just a short while it didn't rain.

Fortunately I was able to report this oversight to Mother Nature herself and normal, drizzly service was quickly resumed.

Bacon

2007-08-11T21:14:00.000+01:00

I like bacon though.

Bacon Flavoured Crisps

2007-08-11T21:09:00.000+01:00

Frazzles. Don't like 'em. As a kid, even the smell made me retch. My adult experience of them is little better. I've come to the conclusion that liking Frazzles (or their own brand equivalent) is a character weakness.

Just thought you should know.

The Correct Way to Fold a Cat

2007-08-10T21:18:00.000+01:00

Smurfs. Remember them? Weird. All blue and stuff. With hats. Like die-washed leprechauns whose hats had been bleached and beards shaved. And who didn't live in Ireland. I don't remember anything about pots of gold either. Sorry, crap analogy really. Re-read the above but replace leprechauns with wolves and change some other stuff to make it a better analogy. I think I've (you've) made my point.

Anyway here's the question, did they wear clothes?

Here's your answer.

Don't know why I bother really.

DNA Profiling and Headline News

2007-08-10T12:09:00.000+01:00

I just noticed that, in the US at least, Google (like you need a link) News now allows people to publish opinions and comments along with a story. Initially, however this will be only those individuals participating in the story as explained by Google here;

"We'll be trying out a mechanism for publishing comments from a special subset of readers: those people or organizations who were actual participants in the story in question. Our long-term vision is that any participant will be able to send in their comments, and we'll show them next to the articles about the story. Comments will be published in full, without any edits, but marked as 'comments' so readers know it's the individuals perspective, rather than part of a journalist's report."

OK so how will this work for, say, some story about a man whose cat was rescued from a tree. In this situation I take it they would allow either the man or his cat to comment on the story. Perhaps, also the fireman who rescued his cat would also be allowed to have his say as would his mate who held the ladder and any neighbors who made tea for the man in his hour of need. Pretty clear group of well defined roles within this tale. But what happens if there is a story about elections in Pakistan? Surely, if the election is fair, in this situation everyone in Pakistan was a participant and can comment on the story? And how do they check if you really are the participant. Will the police collect names, addresses and Google News username and passwords from people involved in reported incidents so that Google can check later? Perhaps they will take DNA at the scene and Google have some kind of profiling system in place.

I need lunch.

It's so crazy, it just might work

2007-08-09T14:07:00.000+01:00

Many of the greatest films ever made began life as novels. In contrast, many of the worst films ever made began life as computer games. However, all this may be about to change....

A small work of genius.

Maintaining a Proper Sense of Proportion

2007-08-05T10:22:00.000+01:00

So we are off to Mars again [bbc story] this time with the Phoenix probe which aims to land on the northern plains of Mars and dig down into the soil in search of frozen water. The lander is the usual high tech coffee table affair, complete with all manner of limb-like appendages sticking up and down with at least one of these having the prestigious job of calculating in exactly which direction up or down actually is. Many of the others are used for sampling all manner of particles and waves and a few can be operated remotely, by overweight geeks sat at desks as untidy and confusing to look at as their beards, back at NASA. Sound familiar? Yes - sorry didn't mean to put words in your mouth but I'm not gonna hang around for you to reply in order to continue my post. Anyway you might have said 'No' - very familiar. Now don't get me wrong I love everything and anything to do with space. However, we have seen quite a lot of this kind of activity from NASA in the past few years. Probes and stuff I mean. I'm sure there is a lot of very interesting science being done but it does rather lack pizazz. I mean I really thought things were looking up when NASA sent Spirit and Opportunity a few years back, at least they can move around, albeit at the speed of a snail on a salt plain. I'd hoped we might see something a little faster this time or even something that could fly in the martian atmosphere, like a glider. But no. For the layman it is the same old, same old.

I wouldn't be surprised if NASA had once again estimated the life expectancy of Phoenix to be about 1 minute 37 seconds so that when it lasts for a whole day they can start jumping around saying this is 'far more than they could have ever hoped or dreamed for, far outwaying expectations' and that this once again proves they should get more money.

Maybe NASA has just got the whole science-entertainment balance weighted a little too much in favour of science. Wouldn't it be great just to see some representative from NASA explaining to a BBC science correspondent that the last experiment Phoenix will perform will be to use the digging arm to scratch a classic 'cock' shape drawing (see below) into the martian soil whilst playing 'Flight of the Bumble Bee' using cleverly constructed modes of vibration across it's solar panels?

I doubt this will happen, but maybe soon Richard Branson will get his shit together and start to make space a little more hip. He may want to fly a giant balloon around mars, albeit to the sound of Tubular Bells No. 9.

Live wrong and phosphor Earthlings.

Mine all mine!

2007-07-24T21:46:00.000+01:00

My precious... shame it won't ever be this clean again!

Had to cut nearly 3 inches of the seatpost 'cause of the split frame design.

Tomorrow, the hills.

I doubt I'll be posting much for a while....

My New Bike Part 1.

2007-07-24T10:47:00.000+01:00

Yes I know I haven't really blogged for ages but you know what's like, I barely phone my mum so don't take it personally. Anyway I'm very excited today as the bike shop phoned to say my bike is being built and will be ready this afternoon! My old bike has definitely seen better days, none of which occured this century. Anyone who knows me will probably be glad it's finally ready if for no other reason than I might stop banging on about how f**king wonderful it will be when I finally get it.

I'm able to fund my new bike purchase through the wonderful Cycles2Work scheme a government initiative to get people cycling more, the bottom line being you can buy a bike for about 50% of the full price - no VAT, pre tax & NI payments. This makes a significant difference especially when the full price is knocking on the door of 2 grand.

Anyway mine will be ready in just a few hours. For those interested it is basically a Specialized Stumpjumper FSR Comp upgraded to an Expert without the Brain Fade rear shock but with Talas RLC's on the front. Pictorially it looks a bit like...

But with the addition of this...

this...

this...

and this..

Allowing me to do much more of this...

The joy is mine!

Not dead

2007-04-20T20:52:00.000+01:00

I'm not. Are you? Let me know if you have recently died and I'll send some flowers.

Forces we cannot begin to comprehend

2006-09-15T15:33:00.000+01:00

My Christmas list now includes...

More details of the wonder of the modern world can be found at cre.ations.net. Just awesome.

You know that there self proclaimed God of pop Robbie Williams?

2006-09-10T22:47:00.000+01:00

...he's the fella what cleans your toilet he is.

'citing ain't it?

2006-09-09T13:26:00.000+01:00

Oooh, my life just got a little bit more exciting. However, it's my excitement and I'm not sharing it with anyone, so p**s off and get your own excitement sado.

Other news in brief; we finally got tickets to see the man himself, Russell Brand. Sweet; I've decided to introduce a new phrase into the English language. It's Joha pronounced errmm... Joha and stands for Jordan on her arse which can be used as a replacement for 'tits up'. And finally I was amazed to hear one of the "celebrities" on 'Law of the Playground' last night (the odd looking one with a long head and big eyes, who wasn't the reason you watched the 11-o-clock show) reminisce about JIGCAL the incredible computer careers advice system. Basically you answered about 100 multiple choice questions and the answers were fed into the JIGCAL system which then returned the most appropriate careers for you. I can't remember exactly what it careers options it gave apart from the suggestion that I became a Prison Warden. Strangely this celebrity had exactly the same 'advice' which suggests the system was heavily biased to include those jobs with many vacancies.

Now to attend to my excitment which, to use the words of the great Vyvyan "...calls for a very special combination of psychology and extreme violence".

Turn around now and no peeking.

Its not the allergens

2006-09-05T14:32:00.000+01:00

You buy them all that food and this is how they repay you...

I'm a muthaf**king artist dudes

2006-08-20T11:54:00.000+01:00

IMG_2740,
originally uploaded by AntToeKnee.

Check it out! All my own work. I held the camera (my camera as well) I pointed it at H (who was busy attempting to catch the wee he had just done in the sea, I shit you not) I pressed the button (after turning on the black and white setting) and when we got I home I downloaded it. That all makes me the artist right? Shit I'm hot.

NASA are you reading this? I can take B&W photographs as well.

One small step...

2006-08-20T11:17:00.000+01:00

First man on Trearddur bay beach. Just like Neil planted flag; took samples; looked back towards home and felt very small. Unlike Neil I made a bitching castle; got my feet wet and had an ice cream with a flake sticking out of the top.

Are you watching this NASA? Moon lands, huh? Moon landings my arse.

Train travel in this country is a f**king joke

2006-08-15T11:22:00.000+01:00

What, you need more information? Just remember that each and every rail timetable you read is a dull, poorly developed work of complete and utter fiction. I suggest they add the following disclaimer to the bottom of all timetables. All trains are fictitious and any resemblance to actual trains or their time of travel is purely coincidental.

"Wankers!" As Pete from Big Brother would say.

"Useless wankers!" As Pete from Big Brother would say after just spending 3 hours traveling from Sheffield to Manchester.

"Take that useless wankers!" As Pete from Big Brother would say after just spending 3 hours traveling from Sheffield to Manchester and then attacking several members of 'Central Trains' and 'Network Rail' with sticks and bottles.

"Ahhhhh get these cats away from me you slimey alien bastards!" As Pete from Big Brother would say if attacked by an alien race carrying cat launching weaponry and hell bent on defending both 'Central Trains' and Network Rail'.

Ermmm... that'll do Donkey, that'll do.

Don't Panic

2006-08-13T09:04:00.000+01:00

As mentioned by Douglas Adams in his science fiction/comedy tale "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy", space is big. Last night I was looking up at the sky and I had to agree with him, it really is bloody big. In fact, as I looked around at it (at leat the bits I could see between the clouds and trees) I started to get a sense of just how really huge space is. Trust me on this, it is very, very big (take a look for yourself). Then I thought, hang on a sec, space is not something but is actually the absence of anything. It is in fact defined as the lack of any physical matter and thus how can I attribute any particular size to it, no matter how qualitative the definition? Surely logic dictates that 'space' doesn't exist and therefore can have no further attributes. Then it occurred to me that, although there is nothing physical to associate with 'space' as a concept it has a consistent property, that of absense of anything. Therefore, my reasoning went on, the dimensions I was considering were the distances between objects that do exist within 'space' and I was simply assigning these as properties of the 'space'. Although somewhat idiosyncratic, my thinking continued, I rationalised this was appropriate because of the relatively small proportion of matter in comparison to the 'space'. It then occured to me that perhaps the cheese I had just eaten was out of date.

Fact, fiction and the strangeness there of

2006-08-12T13:38:00.000+01:00

Growing up in the seventies I saw a lot of weird stuff. One thing that I very much enjoyed was the TV show "The Six Million Dollar Man" with Lee Majors playing Steve Austin, the man barely alive. I was a big fan of the show when I was around the age of 8 years old. I held ambitions of my own to be severely maimed in a test flight gone wrong and then rebuilt at the tax payers expense. Can you imagine the reality of this Microsoft-NHS partnership?

Until recently I hadn't realised that this series was based on a book called Cyborg by Martin Caidin. More interesting is the background to this book. In a previous life Martin Caidin was a aeronautics specialist (amongst other things) who was based at Rogers Dry Lake bed when Bruce Peterson plowed his M2-F2 into the turf (pictured left, just prior to the flight). The accident which befalls Steve Austin is in fact based on Bruce Petersons flight. The M2-F2 was a lifting body prototype and part of early developments in the design of the Space Shuttle. During his unpowered drop flight from a B-52, Peterson experienced what are known as PIOs or Pilot Induced Oscillations, an unfortunate and all too familiar characteristic of this design (here is a link to some NASA footage of the problem). Although able to correct this Peterson had lost too much speed and had to dive the craft to regain airspeed (remember it is gliding). This, together with a poorly positioned reference helicopter, resulted in the crash which saw the M2-F2 flip over end to end 6 times and Peterson badly injured. Ultimately he lost the sight in his right eye but was still able to fly. Caidin had his inspiration.

Remember the start of the Six Million Dollar Man?

"Oscar to NASA One." Oscar
"Roger." NASA One
"VP is armed switch is on." Victor
"Okay, Victor." Oscar
"Lighting Rods are armed switch is on. Here comes the starter, circuit breakers in." Victor
"We have separation." Victor
"Roger." Oscar
"Inboard and outboards are on. Come a-port with the sidestick." NASA One
"Oscar?" Oscar
"Uh, Roger." NASA One
"I've got a blowout vapor three!" Oscar
"Get your pitch to zero." NASA One
"Pitch is out I can't hold altitude." Oscar
"Direction alpha hold is off try trajectory emergency." NASA One
"Flight Comm! I can't hold it! She's breaking up, she's break..." Oscar

Most of this is actual communication between Peterson, NASA and the drop ship and the footage used in the opening sequence was actual footage of Petersons crash (that guy bashing his helmet on the canopy is Peterson). Week in week out Peterson had to relive it. Poor sod. But I bet his mates loved it.

Fandabinazi

2006-08-10T18:11:00.000+01:00

In summary then, Nazi pedotranny

pantingant please note the use of correct punctuation

10p to continue

2006-08-10T14:30:00.000+01:00

If you thought watching someone play a computer game was boring try to imagine how incredibly dull it must get being a sprite in a game (if I get a single fizzy drink/silly goblin comment I will not be happy and don't try and get round me by being all pedantic and leaving more than one comment Pardelrum). Well, imagine no longer and instead witness the level of absolute boredom first hand. This film allows you to watch a whole game of Space Invaders played using stop frame animated actors (real people : I bet the actors guild are thrilled to see real people being used to replace computer generated characters) moving across rows of seats. Alright it's not exactly a current game but I expect its prety difficult to do 3D Phong shading or texture and light mapping with members of the Surbiton amateur dramatics society.

Fandabidozi

2006-08-09T12:32:00.000+01:00

In summary then; Pedotranny.

I thank you

2006-08-09T10:34:00.000+01:00

Two nuns are cycling down a cobbled street. An absurd conversation then unfolds that exploits both the listeners ignorance of religious protocol as well as their simplistic Freudian sexual attitudes to innocence. When combined with society's corruption of the habit, the very icon of the nun, as well as a general failure to comprehend the performance of modern bicycle suspension systems, the opportunity to explore the wholly fundamental view of life provided by the intercourse between the protagonists who have taken the solemn vow is lost and replaced by little more than pathetic titillation.

insert drum roll & high hat

Lights, Camera, Faction!

2006-08-08T21:19:00.000+01:00

So it appears NASA is going back to the moon. They need to be careful here as this could add more to the theory that they never went in the first place. With all the movie remakes that have been released of late it may look to a conspiracy nutter that NASA is just remaking (or reimagining) it's previous blockbuster series Apollo. I liked Buzz (accidentally given the nickname by his sister who pronounced brother as buzzzer and subsequently made it his real first name) Aldrin's solution when approached recently on the question of whether the whole moon landing thing was just an elaborate hoax to demonstrate the superior technology of the USA to it's cold war adversary Russia. He twated the guy.

However, if you wanted to make a movie about Cold War space travel pioneers you could do a lot worse than the story of Vladimir Komarov. Just read this exert of the Soyuz 1 flight taken from Wikipedia;

Problems began shortly after launch when one solar panel failed to unfold, leading to a shortage of power for the spacecraft's systems. Further problems with the orientation detectors complicated maneuvering the craft. By orbit 13, the automatic stabilization system was completely dead, and the manual system was only partially effective. By this time, the crew of the second Soyuz had modified their mission goals, preparing themselves for a launch that would include fixing the solar panel of Soyuz 1. Heavy rain at Baikonur is reported to have made the launch impossible. It is believed that, in reality, Soyuz 2 never launched because of the severity of problems with Soyuz 1 in orbit.

As a result of Komarov's orbit 13 report, the flight control director began making preparations for the abort and reentry attempt. Valentina, wife and mother of two, was brought in and seated at a private console for a few precious moments. Vladimir Komarov, who was ill from the violent motions of his ship, remained calm and was able to say good-bye.

After 18 orbits, Soyuz 1 fired retro-rockets and was deorbited as soon as it passed above the USSR again, although the pilot had little control. Despite all of the technical difficulties up to that point, Komarov might still have landed safely, but the main parachute did not unfold due to problems with a pressure sensor, and the manually deployed reserve chute tangled, making the spacecraft fall to Earth nearly unbraked, at about 400 miles per hour. Large retro-rockets should have fired to further slow the descent. Instead, at impact, there was an explosion and an intense fire surrounded the capsule. Local farmers rushed to try to put it out, but Komarov would have already been dead, from impact.

The man was a true hero. He was both forced and compelled to fly the mission. Forced by the highest powers in the Soviet 'Cold War' machine in order to prove superior pre-lunar flight capabilities, including a docking procedure, to their American competitors. He was also compelled, both by a love for his country and his also his friend. Despite knowing that the Soyuz craft was almost certainly not up to the flight he remained as mission pilot as he didn't want risk the life of the mission backup pilot and close friend Yuri Gagarin. It's reported that this incident is the reason Gagarin left the space programme. Gagarin once said, "...if I ever find out he (Brezhnev) knew about the situation and still let everything happen, then I know exactly what I'm going to do." Less than a year later Gagarin dies in a routine training flight. If you want conspiracy theories, forget NASA.

Can anyone else see the movie here?