Radio Ga-Ga

I reckon the late Freddie Mercury must have commuted around the Manchester area. Can't you just see him in his little Ford Granada with his big 'tash singing along to Kylie like a man possessed? - try the M60 on a Friday, your bound to see him. I imaging this because the song title 'Radio Ga-Ga' can only have been inspired by hours of suffering at the hand of Manchesters local radio stations. It takes me roughly 30 minutes to get to and from work and during that time I nearly always have the radio on. This is largely because my car only has a radio and that I haven't yet mustered enough arsenessed to replace it with something I can choose what gets played. Is 'arsenessed' a word?

arsenessed (noun): The state of being sufficiently bothered to get off ones backside and do something about that which arses you. - There, it is now.

Anyway during this hour, I have to put up with the most inane chatter possible. Given the current technical limitations I can basically select between 6 stations. These are Radio 1, Century FM, Key 103, Radio 4, Imagine FM and The Revolution. I can, as a backup and via a manual retune - something which involves a substational amount of swearing, readjustment of the ariel via an open sunroof and an inevitable straddling of lanes on the A34 - pick up Radio 2, Smooth FM, Classic FM, Radio 3 and the risible All FM. Now aside Radio 4 (I want to like Radio 4 in the morning, I really do. I wanna be a proper adult. However, there is something about the sound of John Humphreys voice that makes me feel like I did when my dad watched Nationwide at 6 every week night. The only program that went on for 19 hours. The show that made the testcard look the like fucking Cup Final). Aside Radio 4 there is nothing to distinguish the others. They all follow exactly the same formula. Scaled depending on budget. I reckon they get them out of a packet. Like a deep freezed radio program, complete with;

• One 'wacky' young male presenter. Possibly with spikey hair. History of being bullied at school.


• One female sidekick, blonde (yeah I know its radio but you can hear it). More intelligent than the main presenter. Exactly how much more intelligent is directly proportional to the gap between when she laughs at a joke and when he does.


• One male or female news/weather reporter. Typically funnier than the main presenter but slightly deaf, so that the presenter has to repeat each gag at least 3 times.


• Random 'traffic' reporter. Gender unknown. Prolonged history of deep stupidity.

Radio 1 can afford to expand on this theme. Chris Moyles has his male sidekick plus a bunch of other random people knocking about the studio - its the pauses with him that really do me in - plus the famous guests. Imagine FM on the otherhand just has the basic male with female sidekick and they do all the totally useless weather and traffic reports.

Now the setup is bad, but not as bad as the execution. The poor gags. The forced laughter. The shite competitions. But what really gets me is the fact they all work in synchronism. Each station apparently without connection to the others. They all chat along merrily whilst I sit there flicking between them looking for a song, anything! They all play the news and weather at the same time. When they do play a song it is limited to one from about 9 artists. At least 3 of which are 'Keane'. Even 'The Revolution' an otherwise good station with dejays including Clint Boon, Peter Hook and Mani, goes fucking idiotville in the morning.

Oh my god, I feel one of my heads coming on. I must retire forthwith.